Drawing The Line

It's that time of year. Tensions run high. What's a lowly teacher to do in order to protect what is hers?

A colleague has a problem. Each day, between leaving the cafeteria and arriving in her classroom, a bold student pilfers her foodstuffs. Because, you know, he's not full after eating his school lunch. Or, perhaps, just to establish his top-doggedness. To pee on her territory. Show he's the boss.

Several solutions come to my mind. Lock the door. Boldy can't eat what he can't get his grubby little hands on. Put away your treats. Off limits is off limits. Put them in the cabinet. Or at least out of sight. Out of sight, out of the mouths of pilferers. Read Boldy the riot act. No more noshing on your nourishment. Further transgressions will be dealt with in a disciplinary manner. Piece of cake. This ain't my first boundary-pusher roundup.

Snack Victim had other ideas. Granted, the situation has grown out of hand. What was just a mischievous Boldy opening her fundraiser peanut-butter popcorn (throwing caution to the wind, hopefully not in the direction of the peanut-allergic classmate) and chowing down on handfuls before she appeared, has now morphed into rifling through Snack Victim's purse and taking out her Chex Mix to munch on. To me, that calls for desperate measures. Though not so desperate as Snack Victim is contemplating.

"What do you think would happen if I put something in it? Something that wouldn't hurt him too bad, but would make him stop?"

"Um. I think that's not a good idea. You could get in trouble. Real trouble."

"I was thinking, maybe, make some brownies and put Ex Lax in them."

"Uh. No. You could really get in trouble for that."

"Who has to know?"

"Well...I wouldn't tell. But he would know."

"He would just think he was sick. And I would never tell."

"No. You can't."

"Remember when you brought me the Chex Mix?"

"Yeah. Now that would be funny. With the cat food in it. But put a label on it that says, 'Do Not Eat. Experiment.' Or, 'Do Not Eat. Contains Cat Food.' Then it's his own fault if he eats it."

"He would still eat it."

"Yeah, you're right. But he was warned. You'd still probably get in trouble, though. For putting something like that in your purse, where a student could go through it and eat something he'd been warned not to eat, that was clearly labeled as 'cat food'.

Mr. Principal arrived, and Arch Nemesis. We giggled. Snack Victim filled them in. "We were wondering how much trouble I would get into for putting Ex Lax in food that Boldy keeps taking out of my purse."

I put in my two cents. "I told her a lot."

Mr. Principal weighed in. "Pretty serious. Like termination serious."

"I told her it would be bad. I was thinking, like, loss of license. But then, I'm an eternal optimist."

Arch Nemesis almost busted a gut. But she refrained from giving advice. Then someone came up with the idea of putting hot sauce on the Chex Mix. Which received neither a red light nor a green light from Mr. Principal. I'm thinking he did not consider the issue one that would eventually reach fruition.

Seriously. This is like that SNL skit where the waiters told the customers, "Hot plate. Be careful. It's really hot." And they all touched it to see if it was hot. Until the last one burst into flame. How much clearer do you have to make it so a kid will stay out of your stuff?

I still say a discipline referral will do it. Or in this boy's case, a quick email to his mom. She will go all apocalyptic on his butt. But the problem will be solved. Without a trip to the emergency room.