Opening Statements In The FishPeeGate Hearings

Thump, thump. The gavel grabs everybody's attention.

Arch Nemesis, Chairman of the Hall: I call this investigation to order. We shall begin our inquiry by considering direct testimony from nose-witnesses to the atmosphere of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's classroom at eleven-twenty a.m. on the second day of November, in the year two thousand twelve. I must remind all witnesses that you have been sworn. All statements will be regarded as truth. Any witness who chooses to perjure himself will face the penalty of in-school suspension for a term of not less than one day, and not more than ten days. We will now hear from our first witness.

Student Witness #1: The bell rang at the end of lunch. I ran down the hall to Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's room, because I like to be the first one in. The first one makes the automatic light come on. It's cool. On that day, the room stunk more than usual.

Chairman Nemesis: How would you describe the smell?

Student Witness #1: I don't know. But it wasn't like normal. Usually, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's room smells like somebody smoked a cigarette through their butt, and then farted. But this was worse.

Chairman Nemesis: Thank you. Next witness.

Student Witness #2: I ran down the hall to Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's room, too. No I didn't. I know running is against the rules. I speed-walked down the hall, but Student #1 ran, and that's how he beat me. He always beats me. From running. He needs to be written up, I think.

Chairman Nemesis: Please comment as to the smell of the classroom.

Student Witness #2: It smelled like crap.

Chairman Nemesis: Next witness. Please try to provide more detail.

Student Witness #3: I rushed to Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's room as soon as lunch was over. I like to get there early, so I can hide just inside the door and jump out at people. Then I can take people's books and stuff them in random desks after they set them down and go out for a drink. Or I can threaten people to give me gum. Right before the bell, I ask if I can go down to my locker to get my book, or go to the bathroom. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom always says I can, but she's going to count me tardy. Can you believe that? I was one of the first ones in the room. But she counts me tardy. That stinks. Just like Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's room did that day.

Chairman Nemesis: Can you describe the smell?

Student Witness #3: It was like something old ladies eat for lunch.

Chairman Nemesis: Next witness.

Student Witness #4: When I got to the room after lunch, everybody was gagging. It was bad. It stunk like pee. That's what I said, "It smells like pee in here!" But other people said it was something Mrs. Hillbilly Mom cooked in her microwave.

Chairman Nemesis: Does Mrs. Hillbilly Mom use her microwave when you're in the room?

Student Witness #4: No. Why would she cook AFTER lunch? She does it before we come in there. That's why I think it was pee.

Chairman Nemesis: Why would the classroom smell like pee?

Student Witness #4: Maybe Mrs. Hillbilly Mom couldn't make it to the bathroom. Or maybe she has a coffee can under her desk that she uses to pee in. Maybe she wears Depends. I don't know. All I know is, that room smelled like pee.

Chairman Nemesis: Let's have the next witness.

Student Witness #5: Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's room always smells. That's why we pour out perfume, and tell her that a bottle broke in our purse. Or that the lid came off. We take turns. Sometimes the boys spray on a bunch of Axe while Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is standing in the hall. Or somebody will put on lotion, and say they have too much, and wipe it on about ten people's hands. Every now and then, a girl will polish her nails. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom yells at us because she says she has to stay in that room all day. She coughs and blows her nose and clears her throat. Sometimes it looks like she's crying. She tries to tell us she's allergic to that stuff, but I think she's just a drama queen.

Chairman Nemesis: But what about this day? How did the room smell?

Student Witness #5: Not like normal. That's like the reptile house at the zoo. This smell kind of made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't even eat the strawberry shortcake that I had hid in my sweater pocket. I was afraid it would pick up that smell and I wouldn't be able to eat while Mrs. Hillbilly Mom was grading papers.

Chairman Nemesis: Final witness, please. I understand you have the class before lunch in Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's room.

Student Witness #6: Yes. I have Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's class before and after lunch. We asked what she cooked that stunk, and she said she cooked the exact same thing she has had for lunch every single day of the school year: a frozen chicken sandwich. She said that smell must be from the kitchen. We had fish shapes that day. Everybody ate them, but then said Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's room stunk.

Chairman Nemesis: Did you believe Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's story?

Student Witness #6: She's never lied to me before. She says the ventilation system pulls air from the kitchen into her room. Last year, I remember being cold every day before lunch. And Mrs. Hillbilly Mom said the cooks opened the back door, and the cold air got sucked into the vents in her room. The day after Fish Pee, the room didn't stink so bad. So she might have been telling the truth.

Chairman Nemesis: This hearing is adjourned.