The Very Nerve Of Some People

I am fit to be tied! Caution: Do not tie up Mrs. Hillbilly Mom.

Here I sat, minding my own business this afternoon in my dark basement lair, when the phone rang. My trusty Pony, call-screener extraordinaire, was off at his grandma's for the day. The #1 son had gone to deposit a check that was payment for photography. Farmer H was on a business trip to Rolla. My caller ID lives upstairs in the bedroom, like we are really going to run in there every time the phone rings to see if we want to answer it. So I picked up. It could have been one of my men, you know, having forgotten to breathe in, breathe out. Or it could have been my mom, with one of our frequent daily check-ins.

It was a phone scam telling me that somebody had sent me a Life Alert system!

Perhaps you are familiar with Life Alert. It's the product that used to be hawked by that little old lady who whimpered, "I've fallen, and I can't get up." Not winning an Oscar, an Emmy, nor a Tony, that old gal.

I wasn't born yesterday, but I'm not ready for Life Alert. I know a scam when I hear one. Nobody is going to give me a perfectly free Life Alert system, as long as I provide shipping information. I'm guessing that's what the guy was going to ask for, after reading all about it by Googling "Life Alert scam." As soon as I heard, "...your Life Alert system..." I started yelling into the receiver. It was either a recording, or a very persistent telemarketer. He did not stop talking. His voice was kind of muddled, like Ian Holm as the android, Ash, in Alien, after his head was knocked off and he was just a talkin' noggin in a pool of his white synthetic blood.

I gave him a piece of my mind, telling him I didn't know what he was talking about, that I had never ordered a Life Alert system, and that he had better never, ever, call here again. When I was certain I had that recording shakin' in its shoes, I slammed the phone down. Actually, I did not. I jabbed the power button with my thumb. Because my phone already has orthopedic problems. It could probably use a Life Alert system for itself. I can't believe the audacity of those scammers!

No way am I old enough for Life Alert.