Greetings, Newmentia Lost-My-Book Association:
It has come to my attention that your society is growing by leaps and bounds. I feel that it is only fair that I receive a cut of your membership fees. After all, without Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, and her textbooks, the Newmentia Lost-My-Book club would never have been granted a charter.
Rumors abound that the NLMBA does not require a membership fee. That the only criteria to join is a statement of "I lost my book." And not even three times, like Inman and Ada in Cold Mountain saying, "I marry you, I marry you, I marry you," to obtain wedship.
I am unsure of the goals of the NLMBA. Is it an honor to join? A rite of passage, perhaps? A means of gaining status above the My Book Is Falling Apart Club? How am I to proceed when a new member blurts out, as soon as I get within three steps of my desk to take roll: "I lost my book."
Do you think I will congratulate you? Pass out pink or blue bubblegum cigars? Slap you on the back and say, "It's about time!" Give you the secret handshake? Or commiserate with you. "You poor thing. Don't worry your pretty little head. It was only a textbook." Maybe I should apply a cold wet rag to your forehead. "There, there. You'll be feeling better soon." I can't kiss that boo-boo, but I can announce, "Lost your book? Well, I guess you can't do any homework or take any tests from now on." Right. Like that's going to happen.
I find it interesting that when I counter your, "I lost my book," with my own, "That's seventy-nine dollars to get another one," you suddenly suppose that perhaps your book is at home under the bed.
Surely you didn't think that I'd go to the cabinet and hand you a new one. That would be throwing good money after bad. You already proved that you cannot hold onto a book. A simple task, really, because all you have to do is carry it from your locker to the classroom and back every day. Let's not pretend that you take it out of the building. All my work is turned in the same class period it is assigned. And I don't mean to be cruel, but if people took their books home to study for tests, I would have way more 100s than I've seen to date.
Books do not grow on trees. I do not have multiple copies for each student. They are not disposable. One student, one book. Please do not have the audacity to suggest that grading you the same as every other student is unfair, because you do not have a book. And that idea that I need to tell the principal, so he can see if anybody else has your book, is not a working plan. I have already performed multiple book checks each quarter. Your paper Jimmy Hoffa is never coming back, and is possibly living it up with Amelia Earhart, Bigfoot, and those Alcatraz escapees on D.B. Cooper's dime.
At least have the dignity to turn the Newmentia Lost-My-Book Association into a secret society. The less I hear of it, the better.
Signed,
Mrs. Hillbilly Mom
I once dropped a library book in the tub. I was reading while soaking. It was Northwest Passage. Already a big book, you should have seen it after my clumsy attempt to dry it. I was in the 7th grade and was not going to ask my mother for the money to replace the book. The librarian did not believe me when I told her that it had rained on the way to school and the book must have gotten wet ...... I did without lunch for what seemed like the remainder of the school year to pay for that book!
ReplyDeleteMy students have formed a St. Louis division of the "I Lost My Pencil" club. They can have a pencil (from our communal pencil supply--we all share) one minute, and the next minute-- the pencil is gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be found.
ReplyDeleteI don't get paid enough to conduct full body cavity searches.
Kathy,
ReplyDeleteDon't go tryin' to make me all empathetic for these club members! All they need do is give up their $1.25 diet soda at lunch every day. Yes. Kids drink diet soda because the real thing is not allowed. Even the free lunch kids have a diet soda every day. Go figure! No-nutrient colored water takes the place of milk that comes with the lunch.
Actually, all they need do is really look for their book. One was found after two weeks laying on a bleacher in the gym, after the kid had LOOKED EVERYWHERE! It's much easier to declare it lost than put any effort into finding it.
*****
Sioux,
What we have here is a bumper crop of future David Blaines and Cris Angels. Before you know it, they'll be Copperfields disappearing the Statue of Liberty.