Let's Open Another Folder From The "You Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry" File

Farmer H has a new phone. I might have mentioned that his other phone was having issues. He could only hear people on SPEAKER. Yep. People could hear him, but he had no idea what to say, because unless he recognized the number, he didn't even know who was calling. Needless to say, Farmer H stopped answering his phone if he was around people.

Let the record show that Farmer H has had about three new phones since I got a new one. Sure, the #1 son gave me his third-in-line hand-me-down many months ago about a year ago when he wanted to use my upgrade on the newest gadget that came out. Then The Pony got #1's hand-me-down. #1 likes to keep a back-up in case he wants to try some fancy electronic shenanigans, so he held onto the second-in-line hand-me-down.

Now that Farmer H was having difficulty, #1 checked our account and discovered that Farmer H was due for a real upgrade of his own. I'm sure that sickened #1, missing out on an opportunity to glom onto somebody else's upgrade. Anyhoo, he found a phone that he thought was worthy of his expertise, yet still simple enough that Farmer H could operate it. Also let the record show that Farmer H thinks his recent phone problem just might have resulted from that dip in a toilet when he dropped it a little while back.

So...#1 found the perfect phone, some type of Moto. It arrived in the middle of the week, and sat on the couch awaiting #1's grand reveal. That boy purely does love to open up new electronics and fondle and stroke them right out of the package. Last night, #1 got the new phone all set up, old numbers and pictures transferred over, and taught Farmer H how to turn it on with a voice command. He came downstairs bragging, "I even have it set so he can activate it by saying (COMMAND REDACTED you don't think I would actually give it away, do you?) when he wants to turn it on or off." I was watching a rerun of the Big Brother episode that The Pony and I missed this week by assuming the time to be 8:00 instead of 7:00, so I did not really listen to #1 with both ears.

This morning Farmer H could not turn on his phone. "I know I can turn it on by hand, but I want to know what to say to turn it on. I'm pretty sure it was three words. 'You turn on. Now turn on. Come on now. Now come on.' None of them work."

"You really should write things like that down. Go ask #1."

"He's still in bed. I don't want to wake him. I'll find out later."

"He's going to the state park later to swim. And he might spend the night with his friend. You'd better ask him now in case you miss him. There's no service down there."

Farmer H still didn't want to disturb the Prince of the Mansion. I had no qualms about waking the heir's spare.

"Hey! Pony! It's time to get up! Do you remember the command to turn on Dad's phone?"

"No."

"Was it 'Turn on now'?"

"Something like that."

Farmer H kept trying. He was ready to go outside. He gave in and pounded on #1's bedroom door. "Hey, bud. What was it that I'm supposed to say to this phone?"

Well. He had two of the three words right, but not in the proper order. I ripped off the end of a 3x5 index card and wrote it down. "Carry this with you. You know you're gonna need it."

Sweet Gummi Mary! That man will be incapacitated if PINS and passwords are replaced by voice commands. He will have to carry a three-ring binder.