Old Like Me

I took my mom to see that new Melissa McCarthy movie on Wednesday. I might just as well have taken a voyage on the U.S.S Minnow for a three-hour tour, which would have cut my time away from the comforts of my dark basement lair nearly in half. I left home at 10:30, and did not return until nearly 4:00. Farmer H and The Pony were back from the zoo and Grant's Farm before I got back from the movie.

Oh, the movie was not that long. At least if you don't count the 30 minutes of previews for movies that had no appeal at all to our demographic. Seriously. We are not the crowd that will be lining up to see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Nor Seth Rogan and James Franco plotting to do away with Kim Jong Un. In fact, I daresay a few of our audience members nodded off during the previews.

Therein lies the problem. I do not have any witty tales regarding our viewing of the movie "Tammy." I cannot complain about the behavior of the crowd, because the crowd was us. Oldsters. I daresay there was not a natural hair color in the house, unless you count the silver-topped men who particularly enjoyed the preview of  "Let's Be Cops" when a dude dressed up like a cop gets his nuts squeezed by a female perpetrator.

Yes, we all came early. We all sat in the back. We all got the popcorn and soda that are refillable. We were all silent at the same time. Not even a popcorn chomp to be heard. It was like we were synchronized. And there was nary a cell phone ring or flash of light. I guess those Jitterbugs are easy to turn off.

I'm not complaining about a well-behaved crowd. But for your sake, my captive audience, I was hoping for another go-round with that lady who shushed my niece one time during a Fruit-of-the-Loom ad before the previews. I think it was the one with the song "He's the Apple of My Eye," sung by some fruity dad wearing the brand-name undies. Anyhoo, we got even when her chubby daughter acted up during the actual movie, wanting to go refill the popcorn tub.

Yes. How I yearned to sarcastically sling her ironic words right back at her again: "SOME people are TRYING to watch the MOVIE!"

Ah...good times.