But Seriously, Folks...

As a new sideline in my proposed handbasket factory, I’m thinking of starting a school for stand-up comedians. I can give them valuable advice that other comedians can’t.

Go to school. That’s the advice. No, I don’t mean go to school, as in attend all your classes so you can make something of yourself. Nope. I mean go to school, as in earn 60 hours of college credit, and sign up to substitute in the public schools of Missouri. Yep. That will be valuable experience for stand-up comedian training.

Don’t think the captive audience thing is the reason. That’s not how to gain experience. You have to develop a presence. Command attention. Be funnier than the kid sitting next to the other kid.

You’ll learn to work clean. No Kathy-Griffin-ing with hecklers. I’m sure you saw her that one year on the New Year’s Eve show with Anderson Cooper. She told a heckler, “I’m working. I don’t come to YOUR job and knock the d---s out of your mouth!” That’s not gonna fly in the classroom, especially if you want to return for more valuable experience.

There’s no two-drink minimum in the classroom, but don’t even mention that term to the pupils, because THEY WISH there was a two-drink minimum—of soda! They’d be drinking Mountain Dew hand-over-fist if you allowed it. Which would only lead to more heckling. And let’s face it, comedians…there can be such a thing as too much practice in snappy-comebacking the hecklers. Don’t even think about allowing a two-drink minimum of trips to the water fountain. You’ll hear the door slam on the way out, and the door slam on the way in. Twice. Then you’ll hear it twice again for each trip to the bathroom.

Yes, at Mrs. Hillbilly Mom’s School For Stand-Up Comedians, you’ll learn how to earn laughs, and how to command a room. Fifty minutes of stage time each session! A fresh audience every hour! Your audience will be telling their friends about your performance. So don’t try using the same tired old material each show.

Sign up now to be first in line when Mrs. Hillbilly Mom’s School For Stand-Up Comedians throws open its virtual doors.

Disclaimer: Enrollees must be able to pass a background check before performing.