The Balm Doesn't Work On A Jagged Staple Laceration

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has an issue. Mark the calendar. OH WAIT! You can't do that, because that calendar is full of previous issues. Get another calendar. Mark it.

Last night, we were out until the crack of dusk, loading up stuff from my mom's basement. My sister the ex-mayor's wife decreed that the afternoon/evening hours were best for her and the ex-mayor. I was of no mind to whip up a delicious repast of vittles heated in the oven and warmed in the microwave, so after The Pony and I left with our load in T-Hoe, I had him send a text to Farmer H to stop by and pick up Chinese food at Bejing House of Hillmomba.

Don't get me wrong. The food there is really good, as long as you don't get anything breaded, like General Tso, or Hunan Chicken. That's a big mistake, because you can't find the chicken. I have tricked them by ordering Hunan Pork. It's real meat! Maybe even pork! Sure, they're skimpy with the filling in the Crab Rangoon, but the flavor is good. My issue is not with the taste. It's the packaging.

You see, Bejing House of Hillmomba used to put their dinners in flat white plastic rectangular containers, with a clear plastic lid. BONUS! Hillbilly Tupperware! Then they switched to foil rectangular containers with a cardboard lid. And for the last several years, they have been sending our food home in rectangular flip-top Styrofoam containers. Not that such a practice is uncommon. It's the way they secure the carry-outs.

BEJING HOUSE OF HILLMOMBA STAPLES THE STYROFOAM SHUT!

That's right! They staple the front corners of the containers! It's not enough that the flat tongue thingy fits into the slot thingy. Nope. They staple that sucker, with a common teacher-tool stapler. Do you know how hard it is to remove a staple from Styrofoam? You might think you can simply pull up on the lid, and the staple will slip through the weak Styrofoam. Uh huh. That used to work. Until last night.

I think Bejing House of Hillmomba got a new stapler. Those things would not budge. Not even when I ran the edge of a serving spoon between the top and bottom edge. That ALWAYS worked before. But no. The Styrofoam finally gave up my meal by breaking in jagged tears along the THREE staples that held it shut.

What happens, I ask you, if a child, perhaps, or a fellow in the throes of a feeding frenzy rip open their Chinese dinner and those staples pop out all willy-nilly and imbed themselves in the fried rice? Huh? Then what?

Somebody's gonna call Jackie Chiles.