More A Trick Than A Treat

Nary a trick-or-treater here in the dark woods of Hillmomba. Nothing spooky. Nothing eerie. So I'll tell you a story about a former coaching co-worker and his shenanigans with his athletes at his annual Halloween party. No. Not like that.

We'll just call him Coach. Times were simpler then. Coaches could interact with their players, and nobody would look askance. Coach held his party in his home, with his wife and twin daughters on the premises. He set up some elaborate scenarios to gross out the girls of his basketball team. Having spent a year being his assistant, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom was privy (heh, heh, I said PRIVY!) to his trade secrets.

Coach swore the upperclassmen to secrecy. The joke was on the rookies, who blindly followed their leaders. Literally. Coach blindfolded the rookies, and the upperclassmen led them by the hand to various parts of the house. Perhaps to feel the eyeballs of the newly dead (peeled grapes in a bowl). Or find a key at the bottom of a can of worms (spaghetti noodles). But the most outrageous stunt was saved for the end. Each new member of the team had to kneel and "kiss the ring of King Tut."

Coach used his college ring. He put it on his finger like a normal ring-wearer. The upperclassman would tow the rookie into the room and instruct her to kneel. Coach stated, in a pompous manner, "You may now kiss the ring of King Tut." Coach put his hand on an ottoman, and the upperclassman guided the rookie's head over his hand so she could lean and kiss the ring. Then they left, and another pair entered. After all had kissed the ring, Coach announced that they would walk into the living room single file and receive their initiation award. It was a certificate that they had survived Coach's Halloween party.

As the unblindfolded girls filed into the living room, they were greeted by the sight of Coach, sitting in a chair, with his bare foot propped on the ottoman, and his college ring on his second toe, the little piggy that stayed home.

Yeah. It was awesome. Especially if you like to hear adolescent girls retch and squeal.