No. Just No.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is still reeling from an incident that occurred Monday at the Semi Weekly Meeting of the Newmentia Lunch Time Think Tank. There we were, chowing down on various salads with two or three hard-boiled eggs (detested by Tomato-Squirter, thus making them even more desirable as 10:53 a.m. fodder), a third of a Devil’s Playground big roast beef sandwich with a snack bag of Lay’s chips, a hot dog from the cafeteria line, or a 12 oz bottle of Coke and a bag of chocolate candy, depending on our nutritional desires…when talk turned away from the recent Igloo/Eyeglue episode.

“Will we be having take-in next week?”

An innocent enough question. Answered in the affirmative. Next week is conference week. We will be staying until 7:00 p.m. the first night. And since teachers are like toddlers, needing to eat every couple of hours or grow cranky…we always order food and send a smoker to get it. Not that we like smoked food. Not that we’re punishing the smoker. We’re actually doing the smoker a favor. Tobacco-free workplace regulations are a thorn in some people’s sides, preventing them from comfortably driving a nail in their coffin.

Yes, every year since the beginning of eternity, we have ordered food on the first conference night. Basementia started a tradition (after I left there, of course) of food being purchased by the power holding the strings of the incidental-fund money bag. Barbecue, pasta, the bar/restaurant fare before it burned to the ground…a perk for the teachers in that building. FREE food carried in for their consumption. But not at Newmentia. Not more than once or twice.

So there we were, sitting around the lunch table enjoying our working meal, when Jewels, who is normally at Basementia every first conference night, nom-nom-nomming on free brought-in food, but who is scheduled to be at Newmentia this year, put forth a motion of a magnitude that rocked Mrs. Hillbilly Mom to her very foundation.

“How about we have a potluck? Is that all right?”

WTF!!!

And those egg-addled, cholesterol-brained members of the Newmentia Lunch Time Think Tank actually acted like they were on board with such a travesty! Including one who is noted for bringing a bag of frozen corn to a certain Thanksgiving potluck, tossing it in the freezer, and never getting it out to serve. AND parading through the dining area with a neon pink posterboard sign declaring, “Remember, third lunch shift needs to eat too!” So much for promoting workplace harmony.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom was having none of it. Who wants to face the week of staying late by staying up late the night before staying late to prepare a delicious Oreo cake for the feast, after having been accused years ago of not making it herself, but picking it up at the store and passing it off as her own? Who wants to stay up late making delicious deviled eggs when others bring a loaf of bread (from the day-old bread store) or a bag of frozen corn? Not Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, that’s for darn tootin’!

“If I have to bring something, I will not be participating.”

“Oh, come on, HM. You can run by The Devil’s Playground and pick up a cake.”

Oh no she didn't! Somebody was eatin' for a beatin'! Her cakehole was writing checks her butt needs to cash. And spend the money on something other than a bag of frozen corn!