You Never Count Your Money While You're Sittin' At The Table, There'll Be Time Enough For Countin' When You're Sitting On The Pot

Today I went to the casino with my favorite gambling aunt. Let the record show that this excursion was not a financial success.

We were planning to leave from the Save A Lot parking lot at 9:00. I got out of the shower at 8:00 to find that Auntie had sent me a text that she was running late, and it would be around 9:15. No big deal. I had thought I'd leave the Mansion at 8:25. It's ten minutes to town. Then I would have time to go another ten to the dead-mouse-smelling post office and back, and still be waiting on the lot for Auntie. No use wastin' a single minute of gambling time! But because I knew she'd be late, I spent some time with Jack and Juno.

As T-Hoe and I were tooling past the prison, my phone rang. Auntie said she was there waiting for me! I explained that I was almost to town, but was going by the post office to mail letters for the #1 son and my new college boy, The Pony. Auntie didn't mind. She had her Kindle. Of course I got behind a motorcycle that had to go BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT! Sweet Gummi Mary! If you can't ride the speed limit, get a tricycle and stay on the sidewalk.

I made it back to the parking lot, climbed into Auntie's little AWD Lincoln something-or-other, and saw that it was only 9:01. We were on time anyway! Her driving was akin to riding with a blindfolded drunken Farmer H. Not that I've ever been such a passenger. Anyhoo...we mainly kept it in two lanes, and followed big trucks closer than Farmer H commanded The Pony. But we arrived alive, in only 53 minutes!

I'm sure the parking valets had a snicker watching us climb our tired old bones out of the Lincoln. We were probably looking like underwater mimes trying to get out of an imaginary box. AND, if you can believe it, while we were disembarking, Auntie said to me, "HM, I really like to go places with you, because you take so long to get moving." Which I think is not really a compliment.

I got even with her as we went through the big revolving door. I turned my head and asked, "Are you going in this section with me? Or getting in your own?" She didn't answer, so I stepped right in. There's this little thing called momentum, you know. It takes a bit of effort to get that revolving door started, but then it practically spins itself. As I got going, I heard a yelp from Auntie. "HM! I'm in here with you!" Not my problem. She did not notify me. Not my problem if she dashed in like a double-dutch jump-roper. Thank the Gummi Mary, though, that she didn't fall and break a hip. I was NOT driving back on the highway.

We threw away our money until 11:45, when me met at Burger Brothers for lunch. Nom nom! I had a burger. What did you THINK I would have there, anyway? But Auntie had headed out on the highway today, and was looking for adventure. She said she wanted a hot dog. They had a sausage on the menu. So she took it. The girl with an accent asked if Auntie wanted peppers and onions on it, and she said yes. We split an order of fries. I paid with my $10 restaurant comp coupon. That didn't pay all, but most of it. C'mon! We're in a casino in the midwest. It's not like they have cheap food so we'll spend more gambling. We are not high rollers.

First we had a problem of drinks. Not the alcoholic kind. Beverages to go with our meal. You can buy one at Burger Brothers. But why would you? Just walk back onto the gambling floor and get a free one! I had suggested that we get them before we met for lunch. But Auntie said, "I don't want to leave my cup unattended. Anybody can put anything in there." Like she was some 20-something hottie at a bar about to get roofied! Still, we went to get the drinks, and put them on a table after much disagreeing.

"Not there!"

"Why not?"

"We can't see them when we order!"

"They're right over the half-wall! There is NO ONE else in here right now."

"Let's put them on this table."

"Okay...but that's right where people walk by..."

"That's right. Let's go over here away from it."

"That's right under the TV. I don't want people watching me when a commercial comes on."

"All right. One more over."

I set down my cup and turned to go through the line. Auntie followed shortly. Heh, heh. That's funny. Because Auntie is about 4' 10". We made the order and came back to sit down with a light-up buzzer remote thingy like they give you for outpatient surgery. That's when I saw that Auntie had kindly covered the top of my no-lid drink in a Styrofoam cup with two napkins that she had picked up off the counter of free drinks out in the casino proper. Sweet Gummi Mary! Auntie was right about people messing with our drinks. Because SHE was the one messing with them. I picked up my soggy napkins and wadded them into a ball. I don't even want to know who else's hands touched those disintegrating paper napkins that were wicking up my Diet Coke.

When the buzzer went off, I went to get the tray. SWEET GUMMI MARY! So many things this day lend themselves to exclamation! Auntie's sausage was HUGE! It would put the late great John Holmes to shame. CAUTION! If you don't know him, don't you DARE Google him! You do NOT want to see any pictures. It's disturbing enough that kids at Newmentia the first time I taught there nicknamed a little kid in 7th grade Big John Holmes. Kind of like calling a fat guy Slim.

Auntie had other troubles with her sausage besides its enormity. "What are these things?"

"Peppers. It's an Italian sausage. They asked you if you wanted onions and peppers, and you said yes."

"Well, I don't like peppers. They'll give me heartburn. Do you want them?"

"No. They'll give me heartburn."

About that time a couple of old ladies sat down at the table next to us. One was explaining to another the special features on her walker, which spurred the other one to admit she was thinking of giving up her cane for a walker. Then they had a bit of an argument about soda. And how they should have brought one in. But the cane lady said she preferred water anyway, leaving the walker lady to fend for herself. And of course you can't carry a soda while you're leaning on a walker.

Auntie looked at me. "This place is full of old people today. And now that you're retired, YOU'RE ONE OF US! Of course, I'm not old..."

"Remember when we rode the gambling bus, and I was the youngest one on there?"

"Yes. That was the funniest thing!"

We ate our lunch and wasted valuable money-losing time. Auntie is a talker. But she DID drive, so I didn't want to scurry off, even though she said I could. After a couple more hours of throwing away cash, we headed home before rush hour hit. The drive flew by, because, in case I haven't mentioned it, Auntie is quite a talker.

We can't wait to go again.