I am losing patience with Farmer H. No! Really! I know that is hard to fathom, what with the glowing reviews he gets here on an almost daily basis. But he's gone too far this time. I think Judge Judy needs to give him a speech about her leg, and the current state of precipitation.
For 30 years, I have chided Farmer H for his careless bathroom habits. No, he's not a seat leaver-upper. That only happened ONCE, and I discovered it in the middle of the night, in the months before Baby Genius was born. It's one of the few lessons Farmer H learned.
There has been an ongoing battle about is aim. Sweet Gummi Mary! As careless as he is, putting the seat up would not help. It would only mean that I risked my head popping off from the pressure of bending over to constantly wipe up the floor. As it is now, I risk my head popping off from elevated blood pressure due to yelling at Farmer H. At least twice a week, I have to say,
"Why is my butt wet after sitting on the toilet?"
Farmer H is always clueless. He gives that little chuckle, as if I'm SIMPLE, like that character Pangle in Cold Mountain. Then he says,
"I don't know. Because I didn't pee on it."
"I don't pee out of the back of my right thigh. So I don't know how that seat got wet."
"I don't either. I wiped it off."
"Why would you wipe it off if you didn't pee on it? I saw the square of toilet paper you didn't bother to flush. I guess that was your wiper. You missed some."
"Ha ha. HM, I wiped it off! There was nothing on the seat."
"My butt/thigh says there was. Why can't you just admit it? And stop doing it!"
"I wiped it because I knew you'd say I peed on it. So just in case, I wiped off the seat."
"Yet it was still wet."
"Maybe some water splashed up there."
"WATER? From WHAT?"
"When I peed. Maybe water splashed up out of the toilet onto the seat."
What in the NOT-HEAVEN? Is Farmer H peeing out of a fire hose? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Short of putting in a surveillance camera, I don't know how to confront him with proof of his guilt.
I have the solution for you. I'm selling "You're the Urinator" test kits. You swab the floor, the toilet seat, under the seat, and for $19.95 I will put the sample through a complicated set of tests to determine where the urine came from.
ReplyDeleteAmazingly, I don't need anything else--no comparison samples are needed--because I know who's peeing on the floor at my house, I know who's peeing on the seat at your house, I know who is peeing in everybody's house. It's whatever old man who's--
Ooops. I didn't mean any of that. The fee DOES cover a battery of expensive tests that use expensive equipment.
Use a Q-tip, put it in an envelope and send it--along with cash--to me. You know where I live.
You'll get the results in 3-5 days.
"I must have gotten water on it when I shook my hands after I washed them …" Sure, like I believe you washed your hands after you put the seat down. Why not use the hand towel conveniently located next to the sink.
ReplyDeleteSo he says he wiped it off but then water splashed up when he peed. So does he wipe the seat first and then pee?
ReplyDeleteI think ALL men need retraining. Standing up to pee should only be done at urinals, in the home where there is a standard toilet, they should sit like everyone else.
I had this argument with hubby #2 who claimed others would laugh at him. I quizzed him on these 'others', who does he invite in to watch him pee? I finished the argument by saying toilet cleaning and the floor around it was going to be his permanent job if he didn't aim right.
My own sons were taught to pee into the water, not just aim in the general direction, then if they dripped when doing the shake, they had to wipe the seat or rim before flushing. Ditto floor wiping.
Sioux,
ReplyDeleteSuch a valuable service! You are indeed selfless, although not quite charitable.
***
Kathy,
Farmer H was not shameless enough to try that excuse. Maybe because our sink is at least 10 feet from the toilet, in the opposite corner of the bathroom that also contains a walk-in closet and triangle tub. More likely, he just didn't think of it, because the thought of washing his hands never entered his mind.
***
River,
I wasn't following that logic, either! I used to accuse Genius of standing in front of the toilet, squealing, "WHEEEEE!" and gyrating in a helicopter motion while peeing. And The Pony of falling into a trance while admiring items on the shelf above their toilet. They both denied it, and had no plausible excuse for their errant excretions. Neither cared much for coming back to wipe up the mess. I can't say it improved matters much, because I couldn't devote all my waking hours to bathroom supervision.
Heh, heh! The excuse of "others" laughing at him!
He doesn't wash his hands? 'scuse me, I feel a bit faint.....from the horror.
ReplyDeleteRiver,
ReplyDeleteSeriously? This SURPRISES you about Farmer H??? I'm going to have to revoke your Farmer H Trivia Card if there's another incident. I'm letting you keep it for now, what with you feeling faint and all.