Farmer H made a foray
to The Devil's Playground this week, to pick up some toys that HOSS
(Farmer H's Oldest Son's Son) had pointed out. Farmer H took him there
after their pizza date, to get an idea of what he might like for
Christmas. HOSS was well-behaved and reasonable, which put the odds for
now in his favor.
Since he was going anyway, Farmer H
offered to pick up anything I might need. We had a discussion. Meaning
that I talked, and he listened. OH, how I wish that were true. I talked,
indeed. But the listening part is hard for that one. He acts
like he listened. He even put his phone down the second or third time I
mentioned it. If young HOSS had given Farmer H that level of attention,
the trip to deal with The Devil might not have been considered.
Anyhoo...I
was convinced that Farmer H understood what I was talking about. I made
him a list. It was on a 3 x 5 note card. There couldn't have been more
than 3 or 4 items. All of which I had discussed at length with Farmer H
the night before. I laid out his list, and some cash from my
year-long-accumulated Christmas stash.
I can't go into
details here, lest the finals-finished Pony decides to peruse. At least
he's not like Genius, who used to search my blog for his name. But when
Farmer H returned home, he had TWO of the type of pan I'd put on the
list.
"Why did you get TWO? I clearly told you that I'd already bought one,
and needed one more. The difference being that it's easier to use it to
make a dozen, than to half the recipe and make six. I know you heard
me! Saying how The Pony is not one to divide a recipe. AND I showed you
the one I'd already bought when you carried in the groceries!"
"Well.
I remember the part about not halfing the recipe. But I don't remember
that you already had one. I remember that you said he needs to make a
dozen. And they only make six at a time."
"You
have selective hearing. You NEVER listen to me! Did the list say (2)?
No. Only one was on the list. As for those ingredients, they were
clearly marked (2)."
"Oh. I might not have
gotten the exact flavor you asked for. I saw the first part of it, and
put it in the cart. When I got out, I looked again, and saw that you
wanted something else. But I got the other one right! I couldn't find your soft pretzel bites at all. I looked in the freezer cases. And back by the biscuits. I even asked some guy, and he didn't know."
"I TOLD you right where to find them! That's why I had them first on the list. They are near the front. On the bread aisle. I TOLD you they were RIGHT NEXT TO THE HAWAIIAN ROLLS!"
"Oh. I never thought to look on the bread aisle."
Sweet
Gummi Mary! I don't know how much simpler I can make it! Show him an
example. Give him an itemized list. Emphasize what I want, explaining
the reason why. Tell him where it's found. Is there more? Something I'm leaving out?
Here's an idea. Those greeters? There should be a gaggle of them. So a wife can send her husband in with a list pinned to his shirt, and the greeter can walk him through the store. It will help his self esteem, and keep the greeter from getting bored.
For some reason, I have that old kids' song running through my head. About the little chicken that couldn't lay an egg. Only I'm thinking of Farmer H...
Ohh...I had a PITA husband and he wouldn't listen up
I made a list and gave a lecture 'til he answered me with "Yup."
He did a deal with The Devil that made me say, "Whassup?"
And for that I think his noggin needs a me-delivered thump.
Your talents are wasted on spoiling Farmer H. You should work full-time on songwriting.
ReplyDeleteDepending on notes pinned to shirts? The note might get torn off. The pin might get deliberately unpinned so they can pick at a scab with the pin. How about tatoo the list on their forehead instead, and the greeters can help out by reading the men's heads?
Sioux,
ReplyDeleteNO! You've given me the most scathingly brilliant idea! Pin the list on the shirt, but make sure to tell the pinee, "Whatever you do, don't use that pin to tattoo the list on your forehead..."
Can you imagine the hilarity that might ensue? What might be used for ink? How many of the pinees would make the tattoos while sitting in their truck, looking in the rearview mirror? It would be a wonderful boost for the morale of the greeters, reading the bloody backwards lists of the pinees.
As for my full-time songwriting career...it could put a damper on traveling the country with my stand-up act. That's ME, ACTING like I can STAND UP.
What you need to do is take photos of everything you want and stick them to the list with a description of size, colour, flavour, how many you want and what aisle to find it in. You'll end up with a list as long as a roll of toilet paper, but you might get the things you ask for at least.
ReplyDeleteYour only other option is to do all the shopping yourself.
River,
ReplyDeleteSweet Gummi Mary! Over the past 30 years, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times I've sent Farmer H to do the shopping for me. This is why.
When I asked him to pick up a couple of plastic containers for the Chex Mix, he TOOK A PICTURE of the ones I had at home. That's the solution. Have one of everything I want, and let him take pictures. So simple a toddler could do it!
I always text a photo when possible. It also helps to talk to him as he shops and point out items and their locations. I said "helps" because he will still manage to get something wrong.
ReplyDeleteKathy,
ReplyDeleteFarmer H says my calls don't make his phone ring. I'm pretty sure he has it set that way!