Last week, as I was writing out my AT&T check in T-Hoe down at Mailbox Row, a silver sedan came down the blacktop hill. I could tell that it was going to turn in to our gravel road. But then it hesitated, and parked just past the lock box at the end of Mailbox Row. IN THE ROAD! There's no shoulder there. No parking. Bold as you please, that guy parked his silver sedan just before getting on our low water bridge, and got out with his child. A curly-headed lad of about 10 years.
I kept my eye on them. They didn't seem menacing, but as you may have caught a hint over these many years, Mrs. HM does not like trespassers. Which they weren't. Yet. Since they were on the public county road and bridge. Walking from side to side. Peering into the creek. Minding their business. Not leaving any trash or profferring food to any pets.
I finished writing out my check, sealed up the envelope, stamped it, and picked up my new used iPhone 8 to see what text Farmer H had sent me. So confusing. That dang phone won't get reception anywhere, but down by the creek, in the black hole of phone reception, it always gives me an incoming text from Farmer H or The Pony.
As long as I had the phone in my hand, I decided to take a picture of the silver sedan. Just for blog purposes. Although not sure that my stupid phone would keep it so I could share it with you. I didn't suspect foul play from this pair. It looked (I assumed) like I was still near-sightedly checking my texts. But I guess Silver Sedaner was worried that I was documenting his presence.*
As I started up T-Hoe, and pulled the front tires onto the road, Silver Sedaner started toward me. Motioned for me to put down the window. I stopped, and did so.
WHAT IN THE NOT-HEAVEN IS WRONG WITH ME?
Obviously, in a low-budget horror movie with a thin plot and unattractive actors, I would be the first killed!
Silver Sedaner walked over, and asked,
"Is this a public road?"
"No. There's a sign RIGHT THERE that says NO TRESPASSING."
"Oh. Okay. Then we won't go on it."
"We have a lot of trouble with trespassers. They throw out trash. We've had an old refrigerator and a traveling meth lab. Somebody threw out a big aquarium. And I sat at the mailboxes and watched a guy dump a truckload of tree limbs right across the end of the road here!"
"Oh. I can understand why you wouldn't want people out here."
"Wait a minute," said Curly Top, who had also walked over. "You mean there are AQUARIUMS in the creek?"
"No. Just broken glass from broken aquariums BESIDE the creek."
"Oh. Gotcha." He went back to look at the water."
"Do you know if there are any other creeks along this road?"
"No. Not on this road. I mean, creeks are free to everybody. It's just finding a place to park that's not private property..."
"Yeah. I understand, hearing the problems you've had. It's just that with the lockdown, we don't have anything to do, so we're just out looking around."
Yeah. And he was pretty close to violating my six-foot bubble, too.
"Well, like I said, creeks are for everybody. Nobody really owns them. Just the property next to them."
Not that I was trying to be a smarta$$, you know. But if ONE person thinks it's okay to park there, and tells a friend, and HE tells a friend...well, before you know it, we'll have even more trash-dumpers and dog-stealers out here.
Really. I bore him no ill will. He seemed like a nice-enough guy, out with his kid.
I don't recall any recent ordinances suggesting we drive around and park on other people's property just because we're bored...
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*Maybe it's a good thing I DID, because now that I have the picture blown up, I think he might have had an accomplice in the car!
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ESPECIALLY stay away from your pet tigers. Pugs? Puh-lease.
ReplyDeleteI am awaiting the funnel fee you owe me. I think I funneled a new reader your way yesterday--a new reader to your other blog.
As you're already aware, the fee doubles after two days, and keeps doubling until I receive it in my Paypal account or my mailbox. Hurry, to avoid a huge payment.
Rolling down a window for a strange man? You're either incredibly brave... or stupid...
People are strange.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, this sentence was hilarious: "Sitting there in my dark basement lair, I could practically hear the muffled scraping sounds as millions of people wriggled their way out of their toilet paper castles, and headed for Walmart to strip the shelves of my beloved Equate Acid Reducer Complete."
ReplyDeleteWell done!
Sioux,
ReplyDeleteWait! Don't you have a grand-pug, or a pug-in-law? I can't make myself love them. One of my old teaching buddies had a pug, and he treated it like a baby. While he treated his grown son like a dog!
I have added your funnelled offering to my crazy batter! Your extortion fee--I mean PAYMENT--was sent by my new used iPhone 8. Good luck with that...
The brilliant tactic of bringing a child accomplice threw me off my game! At least I kept T-Hoe running, in gear, ready to peel out and maybe grind off a few of his toes if he got too close.
***
Sioux 2,
I thought of that toilet paper castle sentence while behind the wheel of T-Hoe, on the way home from getting a socially-distanced 44 oz Diet Coke. Let the record show that I am NOT a distracted driver, and that other people keep trying to ram into ME!
***
Kathy,
People are freakin' WEIRDOS, and I am their magnet!
The "accomplice" in the car might have been the wife who didn't want to dirty her shoes down by some unknown creek.
ReplyDeleteYou write your checks in the car? Seal and stamp the envelopes in the car?
Address the envelopes in the car?
Most people do all that at home then just have to post it.
River,
ReplyDeleteSince I only make two trips to town each week now, I only have two days a week to mail my bills. The mail goes out at 11:00 at the dead-mouse-smelling post office, and at 11:30 at the main post office. My mail is delivered between 11:00 and 1:00. SO...even on a good, normal day, I've lost a day's time before my mail will be sent out. Not a big deal, except with that blasted DISH bill!!!
Anyhoo, if I get a bill out of EmBee, I go ahead and write the check before driving to town. So I can mail it on a Monday, and have it go out on a Tuesday. Otherwise, I'd get it to town on Thursday, have it go out on Friday. Mail takes a long time from here. It's not like when I lived in town two blocks from the post office, and had it delivered on my front porch.
The bills have a return envelope, and I keep my stamps in my checkbook. So it's not like I need to carry anything special in T-Hoe for this process.