I'm Pretty Sure It Wasn't Sent By A Secret Admirer

We're not doing our usual extravagant Christmas this year. The boys are older. The Pony will be getting items for his HOUSE when he moves in. Genius will only be here for a day, the week after Christmas. A cash gift is good enough. Nobody's going to turn that down! AND it means I can avoid the angst of dealing with package deliveries! 

I have only ordered a few things this year. They are not for Christmas. I'm waiting on the shoes for Farmer H and The Pony. They have not yet shipped. I have two bottles of vitamins on the way. And some cows for my best old ex-teaching buddy Mabel. Not real cows, silly! Collectable CowParade Cows. I give them to her every year.

Monday evening, as I came upstairs to make supper for The Pony, Farmer H told me I had a package. He had left for the auction, then discovered it was only toys, so he came back home. That's when he saw the box on the front porch.

"I put it on the kitchen counter."

 

"Oh. Was it a box, or an envelope? Is it my cows, or the vitamins?"

 

"A box. Probably cows. It's too big to be vitamins."

 

I started frying hamburgers for The Pony. I'd barely glanced at the box on the counter. Just a quick look as I walked into the kitchen. While waiting for The Pony to get his burgers out of the pan so I could wash it, I turned to the box.

 

"THIS ISN'T MY COWS! It's a POOP BOX!"

"What? A WHAT box?"

"A POOP BOX! It's one of those ColoGuard tests! Why am I getting a POOP BOX? I didn't order it! In fact, when I was at my last appointment, my nurse practitioner asked me if I wanted to take the poop test, and I said NO. Because last time it cost me $649! Even though he swore it was covered by my insurance! AND it was useless anyway, because I never even got any results!"

"You know, my brother who actually had the surgery for colon cancer says that test is useless. His doctors told him that. It has too many false positives, and doesn't really tell you anything."

"I'd like to know why I'm getting this POOP BOX! I am NOT taking this test."

"Open it up. Maybe it says something inside."

"No. Why would I want to open it? Then I might be responsible for it."

"There might be a letter inside saying who sent it."

"All right... Oh, no! I wish I hadn't opened it! It's just the same kit they send everyone. Nothing about why it's here. Just the stuff and instructions. I am NOT paying for this!"

"Call your doctor and see if he sent it."

"I never get anything done when I call over there. They didn't do anything about my prescription needing further authorization."

"Just call and ask. Then you'll know."

So I called on Tuesday. On the house phone. Went through the automated section. Got a person. Asked for my NP's office. Got a recording saying to leave a message. Well. That was a bite in the rumpus. I didn't leave a message. But now I'll have a long-distance call on my AT&T bill.

When I went to town Tuesday, I used my cell phone to call again. So no long distance. And my cell phone works from the parking lot of Country Mart. Again, I got the recording saying it was the nurse, and to leave my name, number, and question. I did.

 

"This is Hillbilly Mom. 777-7777. I'm calling to see if somebody there ordered a ColoGuard test for me. Because a box was left on my porch, and I didn't order it. In fact, at my last appointment, I specifically said I did NOT want a ColoGuard test, because the last one cost me $649."

Of course I have not heard anything back. Isn't THAT a surprise? Of course they won't call, because they've been caught in a sticky wicket of prescribing something I said I didn't want. Or else they didn't, and don't want to hear me go on about it. Still, a simple YES or NO response to the origin would be nice.

I consulted my estranged BFF Google about "ColoGuard didn't order," and found an interesting link to the BBB. That's the Better Business Bureau. Seems I'm not the only one dissatisfied with ColoGuard's business practices! Many people are mystified when a POOP BOX arrives on their porch. Many more are outraged when they have to pay $649.

ColoGuard seems a bit snippy in their responses, saying they cannot send out a collection kit unless prescribed by a medical professional. They get all passive-aggressive about being happy that the complainer is being screened for their health, and sad that they don't want to pay for it. 

 

However, they say that if you don't want the test, to recycle it. Heh, heh! I'm sure THAT isn't going to happen. But I'll throw it away. Because if you don't sent it in, you can't be charged. Some poor honest POOP BOX recipient sent the kit back, and WAS CHARGED $649! Even though he/she didn't poop in it. Sent the unopened box back (paying shipping to return it) and got billed!

Oh, and some victims paid the $649 for their test, and didn't get results, and were told that results could only be given to the doctor who ordered the test. AND some others got a positive result, and had a follow-up colonoscopy at the hospital, for which they had to PAY, since their insurance said it was no longer a PREVENTATIVE TEST, since the ColoGuard counted as that. Which sounds like it was a problem to these people, since supposedly ColoGuard has a 40% false positive rate. All according to the Better Business Bureau correspondences that I read.

Here are my POOP BOX experiences from back in 2018:

I Can't Guarantee That It Don't Stink, But Apparently It's Made Of Gold

I Would Imagine That They Rue The Day Every Night

Maybe I can set my POOP BOX down by Mailbox Row, and somebody will steal it. Then again, it probably has a tracking code, and I might end up paying $649 for somebody else's poop...