Mrs. HM Is Braver Than You Might Assume

Mrs. HM stared death in the face on Monday, through the eyes in the back of her head.

I TOLD FARMER H TO CUT MY HAIR!

Yes, I've grown tired of my wispy, straggly, not-so-Lovely Lady-Mullet. It blows into my eyes and mouth when I step out of T-Hoe. The tendrils bend upon themselves and my collar, and tickle the side of my face when I'm sitting on the short couch. It's a look quite unbecoming to a woman of advancing years. So I decided that it needed to be chopped.

I hate getting my hair cut. I haven't been to Terrible Cuts in over a year. At first it was because I did not want the terrible cutters breathing on me while I was captive in the chair. But then I just decided I didn't want to do things that I find unpleasant. What's a little extra hair on your head, anyway? Until it gets to be too much...

Anyhoo... my favorite non-professional haircutter, The Pony, was not available. So the duty fell to Farmer H. I asked if he wanted the dainty scissors from the bathroom drawer, which I use for cutting my bangs. Or the kitchen shears. Of course he chose the shears. We went out on the deck by the kitchen. I instructed Farmer H to start on one side of my head, cut the hair at shoulder length, then comb out the adjoining sections and snip them at the same length as the first portion. Sounds simple, right?????

Perhaps you know the old joke that men can't measure. IT'S NO JOKE!

To Farmer H, "shoulder length" apparently means four inches above the shoulder! I questioned him as he was making the first cut.

"Are you sure that's shoulder length? Because where I feel you cutting is above my shoulder!"

"It's shoulder length, HM. I just measured it."

Yet I continued to feel that something was amiss. As he went around the back of my head, it felt like he was cutting at the base of my skull! Still, he continued to swear that he was cutting at shoulder length, same as his first snip.

Well. When he said he was done, I reached up, and all my hair was gone!!! Especially a chunk at the back, where there's a definite section that is a whole inch shorter than the surrounding tresses!

"Why did you do this to me? Do you not understand SHOULDER LENGTH? That means the hair touches the shoulder!"

"I knew you wouldn't like it. I told Pony, and he said HE didn't want to cut your hair, either!"

"You know it will take three years to grow it back like it was, right? Even though I don't want it that long again. You have just taken three years off my head!"

"It will be fine, HM. In fact, when you look at it, you'll think it looks good."

The ego on that man! But here's a little secret. After my shower, when my hair had dried... it actually looked better than the wispy mess it had been before the chopping. Don't tell Farmer H.