We're Not All That Keen On Competing

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is tired tonight, my friends. Tired. Like a marathoner named Jean-Paul trying to awake in time to make it to the starting line.

Tired of trying to fill everybody's coffers with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. Let the record show that the coffers designated to Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's class came up empty.

Last week a contest was announced. A contest to provide foodstuffs for a dinner being held next week in honor of individuals who served our country. Each teacher's first hour class was challenged to bring in items worth various points. The class with the highest point total per person would win a prize. An unspecified prize.

That was the problem, methinks. My class was not a band of gung-ho youngsters bent on winning for the honor alone. Nope. My class consisted of seasoned veterans in the contest wars.

"What's the prize?"

"How do we know if we want it?"

"It better not be anything crappy."

"What if we don't even want the prize?"

"What do we have to bring?"

"Here. I'll post the list on the bulletin board. Some items, like coffee and bacon, are worth 10 points each. Then there are five-point items, like large cans of pumpkin, or pie shells. And one-point items, like cans of beans, or boxes or bags of stuffing. Take a look at the list. We have from Monday until Friday to bring them in."

So...on Monday I reminded them.

"Oh. Was that this week?"

Tuesday, I reminded them.

"Oh, yeah. I need to bring something."

Wednesday, I reminded them.

"How long do we have?"

Thursday, I reminded them that Friday was the last day.

"You mean tomorrow?"

This morning, I walked into the classroom after the tardy bell and looked around. "I'm just looking for that pile of food that you guys brought in for the contest."

"Wait. That was due TODAY? I thought it was for closer to Thanksgiving."

"Well. The veterans will be eating nothing on Monday evening, so I don't think they're going to care if you bring in food for Thanksgiving."

Yep. My class total was ZERO points per person. The only way it could have been lower was if they brought in food, sat in class and ate it, and then scammed some from another class and ate that, too, leaving an IOU.

The prize is breakfast next Wednesday. Let the record show that the origin of the upcoming breakfast was not revealed. It could be a culinary masterpiece whipped up for the winners by the students of Basementia.

Not that it will matter to my ZERO percenters.