Of course Farmer H has been gimping around like he's on Death's door. More like he's curled up on Death's front porch, in a fetal position, drooling on the doormat. I hope Death has recently had a bunch of stockyard workers come a-knockin', and that they were all rockin' their work boots.
I really wish I had told Farmer H, "You ain't the first man ever to have a hemorrhoid." Just as payback, you know, for that time I was 8 month pregnant with The Pony, and was put on bed rest for 10 days, and Farmer H told me that the doctor didn't mean I couldn't still stand up and make supper and wash the dishes. "You ain't the first women ever to have a baby, you know."
Anyhoo...all the way back from the casino today, a ride which took 50% longer than necessary due to a Goodwill stop...I was a captive audience for Farmer H's details about his hemorrhoid.
"She said she didn't need to do nothin' about it. But it's not any better."
"You can get medicine for that, you know. Like those little wipes in a round container. I think they have witch hazel in them. It kind of shrinks them and takes the pain away." [Not that I'm an expert, you see, and go around flaunting my knowledge...but I think I used them when I was pregnant and possibly on bed rest and still cooking and washing dishes.]
"I guess The Devil's Playground would have them."
"Yeah. Or your pharmacy. I can't believe you didn't ask when you were getting your prescriptions."
"I was gonna ask her, but I didn't. Maybe I can get some Preparation H. I thought it would just bust and go back to normal. But it feels like there's a marble in there. And it busted yesterday.
"I know. You told me last night."
"I thought I was all done with it. I guess I can ask the pharmacist."
"Or you can just let it go, and discuss it over the table at Thanksgiving Dinner."
"You don't have to be a smartass about it."
"Oh, but I DO!"
"I was gonna have you look at it."
"Not happenin'! That and feet. Nope. Go back to the doctor--I mean NURSE PRACTITIONER and ask her if it's still okay. I'm not looking. What could I do about it, anyway?"
"Well...just see how it looks."
Again. I'm not an authority. And I'm NOT looking!
Brain Bleach.
My newest product for sale on the counter at my proposed handbasket factory.
They do have a magnifying glass/microscope kind of thing that you hook up to your computer, and then whatever you're looking at comes up on the monitor.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband says, "Just look at it and tell me what you see," I refuse.
I ain't no doctor or NP...
Brain Bleach should be a BIG seller!!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be looking either! Let those that get paid to, do the looking. Hick should have asked when he was there. I believe it may be payback time for the non-bed rest days. I had a neighbour way back in the 70s who was on bed rest for the final two months, wasn't even allowed to put feet to the floor, much less get up and cook etc.
ReplyDeletePoor Hick and his sore bum. I am sure his NP told him what to do to soothe his pain, but just like a man, he wants all the attention he can get from you. Let's just hope he doesn't take a selfie to show you!!
ReplyDeleteSioux,
ReplyDeleteTHE HORROR! I don't want to see it the size of my monitor! I don't want to see it at all, not even without my glasses!
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fishducky,
I have a feeling it WOULD!
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River,
Yeah! Payback time! To rub salt in that wound (ooh, wouldn't it be painful to rub salt in Farmer H's wound), at the time he pooh-poohed my bed rest, he was OFF WORK FOR A WEEK UNDER THE EXCUSE OF TAKING CARE OF ME, but left the house every morning to go hang around with his deer-hunting buddies who took vacation time to hunt.
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Kathy,
Selfie? Farmer H CALLED ME TO THE BATHROOM from my dark basement lair last night, wanting me to look at it in person. I went, just in case it was an emergency, after what he said was his 5th cry for help, even though I only counted two, myself.
You'd have thought he was exsanguinating. I DID take that opportunity to actually tell him, "You're not the first man ever to have a hemorrhoid." I really think he was panicking. I asked if he wanted me to drive him to the ER, but he declined. Today he didn't even call the doctor.