Sometimes, The Natural Is More Scary Than The Supernatural

Good thing you can't see me as I type this. My hair is standing on end like a troll doll/Marge Simpson hybrid. I just had quite a fright. No, it wasn't any supernatural activity that is so common in my dark basement lair. This one was entirely natural.

I had just sat down in front of New Delly. Was logging on, my lunch tray at my left elbow, my 44 oz Diet Coke at my right. A movement caught my eye.

SWEET GUMMI MARY! IT WAS A SPIDER ON MY SPEAKER!

Not a little spider. It was bigger than a 50-cent piece. All grayish brown and furry-looking. YIKES! I know I jumped back in my rolly chair. Took a deep breath. Probably screamed, "OH CRAP!" I don't recall exactly, with all that adrenaline coursing through my veins. I knew I was on my own. Farmer H was gone to buy screws for his $5000 house, leaving me... well... screwed! I had to take care of this beast on my own.

The worst thing would be for it to get away! Then I'd know it was lurking around the lair. What if I nodded off in front of New Delly, and woke to it crawling in my mouth??? It was in an awkward spot, there behind the monitor, beside a little wooden rectangular crate that holds music CDs. I didn't have a clear shot to whack it. On top of that little speaker (3 inches wide, 6 inches tall, 1/2 inch thick), I couldn't get a good squish. I looked around for a weapon. My extendable metal backscratcher wouldn't do. Nor my red plastic ruler from the 1980s. I couldn't pound it with my bubba cup full of ice. Dang it! I'd have to kill it with my not-bare hands!

I took a half of a Bounty Select-A-Size Paper Towel that I keep in my lair. Stood up slowly. Didn't want that thing skittering away. I remember all too well the night one rappelled down from the ceiling, dropped at the last second, and released millions of baby spiders all over my desk. I'm sure this was one of the descendants I didn't annihilate at that time. I reached over New Delly's monitor, and POUNCED on that gargantuan spider with half a Select-A-Size backed by my thumb and two fingers.

GOT HIM!

He didn't die right away. In fact, when I pulled back the paper towel to see if I'd connected, he fell to the desk, writhing. I only had some goo and two legs on my paper towel. So I squished down again, and picked him up to rush to the toilet next door in the NASCAR bathroom. Too bad I couldn't flush that thick paper towel. But using a Puffs With Lotion would not have been a good idea for my murder weapon. It would put my flesh too close to spider juices. I shook the carcass loose, and flushed. Twice. Don't want him dragging himself up to take revenge on my unsuspecting ample rumpus!

Whew! I can't take that kind of excitement. I need to recover. I might add an extra lime to my 44 oz Diet Coke with supper.