As I have previously revealed, and any hidden entities in the Mansion have heard for themselves...Farmer H is not light on his feet. He stumps around like his feet have been detached from his ankles. I don't think he realizes the way he plods from place to place. Maybe it's from too many years in steel-toed boots, on concrete.
Farmer H's figurative footfalls are a thing of beauty. He manages to waltz in and out of trouble waiting to happen, without a trip or a toe-stub. I am shocked to hear some of the situations he's walked into.
This tale comes from last month. It started out astoundingly close to another tale he'd told me the week before.
“I’m having lunch at Burger King." [He was really at Hardee’s. He gets them confused.] "After that, I’m going over to Lowe’s to get a board for a shelf in my Storage Unit Store. I heard on the radio there’s a guy with a gun over in Bill-Paying Town—“
“Let me guess! You’re going to find the guy with the gun!”
“Yeah.”
Later that evening, he told me all about it.
“The guy’s house was up a street behind the old Medical Arts building. I went up on the porch, and I heard, ‘Smile, you’re on Candid Camera.’ I seen there was a camera there. I knocked on the door. It wasn’t closed all the way. Just pulled to. I thought I heard ‘Come in,’ but I wasn’t sure. So I knocked again. I didn’t want to go barging into someone’s house. Especially with a camera on me.
Nothing happened, so I knocked again. Finally an old man, older than me, opened up the door. He wasn’t getting around very well. He had a cane and a bad foot. He hobbled back over to a chair and sat down. I just stood inside the door. He had a big rack of guns there, and another rack of guns beside his chair, and a pistol on the table beside his chair.”
“Well, he WAS an old man, with a bad foot and a cane, and you could have been anyone, there to kill him and take his guns!”
“He had plenty of guns, but he only said on the radio that he was selling two. I only wanted one of them. He was asking $165 for one, and $125 for the other. I said I’d take the $165. He said, ‘How about $240, and you can have them both?’ So I said I’d do that.”
“He probably needed the money. And to get rid of some guns.”
“He tried to sell me some AK-47s, but I told him I already had two, and didn’t want to be messing with those these days!”
Let the record show that Farmer H sold those two Old-Man guns the very weekend after he bought them, for a total of $250. So he made $10 on that questionable transaction.
He could have made that much selling two fishing poles. Without any drama.
I think you should create a pitch for a reality show focusing on Hick. Of course, if it's snapped up, Hick would spend a lot of time away from home, so I imagine THAT will prevent you from acting on my suggestion.
ReplyDeleteThere could be a show called "Hick the Seller" to begin with. Spin-offs would be inevitable. "Hick the Builder" (with all his themed sheds). "Hick the Roamer" (which would focus on his travels on Gator, along with Jack and Juno). "Hick the Decorator" which would focus on his interior and exterior decorating skills.
If he was the star of several shows, he'd never be home...
A pistol, and two racks of guns including AK47s?? why does anyone need that many guns? Or any guns at all? I hate them.
ReplyDeleteUnknown Madam,
ReplyDeleteHe could have many shows. Including a How to Kill Your Wife show. Though I'd hate to lose one-on-one time with him, I'd make that sacrifice for his reality career.
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River,
A collector, I guess. Or as normal people calls them, a HOARDER! I knew the topic would be polarizing, which is why I only put it here, after contemplating it for a month, and not on my more-read blog.