First Rule Of Lie Club: Don't Provide Details Of Lie

Farmer H has been caught in a lie. Oh, c'mon! Don't discredit my lie-detecting skills. It takes a little effort to get to the bottom of the lie. I have to squeeze him like the rubber tubing of a polygraph machine's chest sensors.

Friday brought us 40-degree temps and pouring rain. So Farmer H was not out of my lovely lady-mullet as usual. In fact, he popped into the Mansion around 11:10, as I was standing at the kitchen counter taking my medicine. He walked past me and to the bathroom, I thought. Somewhere out of the kitchen. He returned shortly, and with his hand on the doorknob, said

"I'm headed down to Bill-Paying Town to see about a gun."

There's nothing unusual about that. I generally don't see Farmer H from the time he leaves on Friday morning until he comes home for supper around 4:00-5:00. He sells at his Storage Unit Store, then has lunch, sits around talking to his cronies at somebody's garage or business, then gets his weekly shot.

I had been to town for my magical elixir, and had my lunch ready on the kitchen counter for The Pony to pack down the stairs to my lair. I sat down on the short couch to talk to The Pony, who had for some reason left his cell bedroom to join the world.

"You know, Pony, I think your dad has gone down to Casino Town without us. He mentioned yesterday that he was thinking of going on Saturday. I told him that was not a good idea. That he could wait until Tuesday, like he had originally planned. He said his gun lady had five guns for him."

"Huh."

"He SAID he was going to Bill-Paying Town when he left here around 11:00. Look. It's 3:00 now. That's WAY too much time for a trip over to Bill-Paying Town. 30 minutes there. 30 minutes back. An hour to look at a gun and barter or dicker on the price. Maybe 30 minutes to eat lunch. He would have been back here by now."

"How long for Casino Town?"

"Hour-and-a-half there. Hour-and-a-half back. An hour to get the guns and talk to the pawn shop lady. Probably a stop at the casino like he usually does. Lunch. It's been four hours now. He could be back any time, depending on if he did any gambling."

"Meh."

"You watch. I bet that's where he went."

I stopped short of actually BETTING The Pony. Believe me, it crossed my mind. To bet him a $5 scratcher that Farmer H made a clandestine trip to Casino Town.

In my office, scratching my own tickets, I heard Farmer H stomping around on his footless ankles in the master bathroom. I know that I went downstairs at 3:00, because I watched the end of a Guy's Grocery Games with The Pony. So it was on the hour. Then I ate my lunch, and watched some conspiracy videos, and loaded my music to scratch tickets by. When I heard the stomping, I looked at the clock. It was 4:20. The time I usually get to scratchin'.

I asked Farmer H at supper time if he went to Casino Town. He didn't answer. I was in the kitchen, warming my leftover BBQ pork steak from Country Mart deli. I'd smelled Farmer H warming his own around 4:35. That BBQ smell travels! 

"I didn't hear your answer."

"I didn't hear your question." [Lie Sign #1: delay in answering, stalling for time]

"Did you go to Casino Town?"

"No. I went down to Bill-Paying Town about a gun. I told you when I left."

I went to sit on the short couch (The Pony was in his nightly 2-hour tub) to talk to Farmer H in the recliner. Even thought the rope I was giving him to hang himself would have easily reached from the kitchen.

"It doesn't take that long to go to Bill-Paying Town and back. Even for a gun."

"What do you mean THAT LONG?" [Lie Sign #2: questioning the questioner]

"You were gone over 5 hours."

"No. It was less than 3." [Lie Sign #3: denying provable facts]

"You left here at 11:00, and got back after 4:00."

"I left here at ten 'til twelve! And got back at 3:00!"

"No. I was in the kitchen taking medicine. Hadn't even turned on the TV."

"I'll prove it! Right here on my phone! I called that guy at 11:18, right after I left here."

"Exactly! You left around 11:00. Just like I said."

"Well, I got back at 3:00."

"No. I was sitting here at 3:00, watching TV with The Pony. You don't even get your shot until 4:00! When I heard you walking around in the bathroom when you got back, it was 4:20. I was scratching tickets, and hoped you weren't coming down, because you're bad luck. AND, I'd already eaten my pinwheels, AND my bag of chips, AND my two Girl Scout Thin Mints, and watched some videos and loaded music."

"No. I got back at 3:00."

"So you didn't go to the bathroom until 4:20?"

"No. I went to the bathroom as soon as I got home."

"Exactly. Then you made your supper while you were up."

"No. I didn't make my supper until 5:30."

"Then how did I smell it at 4:35? AND, I went to the bathroom at 5:30, and you were not up walking around. It was quiet, and I thought you might have gone to the auction. Which you always do, and want to be DONE eating at 5:30."

"I didn't go to the auction."

"But you went to Bill-Paying Town. DIDN'T YOU?"

"The guy I went to see about the gun said he had some business down there, and I said that was a coincidence, I did, too! So we went down there together."

"I KNEW IT! So you've lied to me."

"It ain't lyin'."

"It is TOO! You did it on purpose, but I can always tell."

"It's a good thing I went! That pawn shop lady's son was selling two of my guns when I walked in! So I called her and told her, and she called HIM on the other phone, to say he had to sell them to ME. But he'd already made a deal with that other guy, and told his mom, 'You didn't tell me to HOLD the guns for him. You just said he was COMING BY.' So I only got three of my guns." [Not a sign, but a JUSTIFICATION for his lies] "She had a rifle that I offered $400 for, but she said she needed $550. Which I can understand, because it's about an $800 gun. So I paid her $550 for it."

"Aha! You just HAPPENED to be carrying all of your gun money around with you when you were only going to look at ONE gun over in Bill-Paying Town!"

"No. I didn't have that gun money on me. I came home to GET IT!"

"So you KNEW, when you were going out the kitchen door, that you were going all the way to Casino Town to get your guns."

"Well. I came home to get my money."

 

If Farmer H had not tried to supply all those details, he could have absolutely fooled me by saying he'd gone to shop at Goodwills after seeing the gun guy in Bill-Paying Town, and then stopped by to shoot the bull with his cronies.

The Devil is in the details.