She Got Up Off The Throne

Yesterday, I mentioned how my sister the ex-mayor's wife chose our hotel for Casinopalooza. Nothing wrong with that. She knew what she was getting into. I, on the other hand, did not. I am used to the suites at Holiday Inn Express. This hotel picked by Sis in Joplin was also all suites. I don't have a problem with that. They were nice rooms. But I have two issues. (Did you really expect that I wouldn't?)

When you go in, there is a kitchenette to the right or left, a desk/table on wheels that juts out from the kitchen area, then a sitting area with pull-out couch and coffee table. The room then makes an 'L' shape, with the bed on the same side as the kitchen, and a sink/closet area, then the toilet/shower. WHOA! There is no door on that sink/closet area. The toilet/shower room has a door. But it's close quarters in there. Not someplace I'd want to get dressed.

So...you have to dress in the sink/closet area, with no privacy. Not a big deal when it's just me and Farmer H, because I have him trained to "Look away! I'm hideous!" But what if one of the boys was with us, sleeping on that fold-out couch? It seems rude to send them to the kitchen so I can dress. Also, there is one TV, on a swivel from the wall. So you can watch TV from the bed, or TV from the couch. Not both. Somebody's gotta look at the back of the TV. The HIE has a separate pull-out couch area, with its own TV, divided from the doored bedroom by the doored bathroom. Much more conducive to a group who would actually use that pull-out couch as a bed for someone in their party.

My biggest issue was a small thing, really. Really, REALLY small. The toilet was lower to the ground than Puppy Jack's belly! What's up with that? I have a normal toilet in the NASCAR bathroom next to my basement lair. It's not like Mrs. Hillbilly Mom expects the world to install tall toilets for her wherever she travels. But is it too much to ask for a regular toilet? One that isn't a couple centimeters higher than a hole in the ground in some third-world country? How in the Not-Heaven is Mrs. HM supposed to get up off that thing?

Farmer H suggested using the bar on the shower door. News flash! The shower door slides. Quite easily. Not a feasible solution. I finally rigged up my sideways suitcase, wedged between the toilet and shower door, and left the toilet door open so I could grab the door frame for leverage. Thank the Gummi Mary, all casino bathrooms had handicap stalls with rails on the wall.

To Sis's credit, she did agree. "Yes. The toilets ARE really low here."

At least I only had to use that torture device a couple times at night, and in the morning before we left. I was happy to head to the HIE two days later. At least the HIE has the sink counter beside the pretty-normal-height toilet that I can use for leverage.

That first night at the casinos, I told the group I was going to the bathroom before we left. As you know, Mrs. HM never counts her money while she's sittin' at the table. She counts it while she's sittin' on the throne. Or at least standing in a stall. I guess I took a little too long in my private moment with my money. When I came out, Farmer H and The Ex-Mayor were laughing, and Sis looked concerned.

"We wondered what was taking you so long," said The Ex-Mayor. "I told Sis that she might want to come in and check on you. In case you couldn't get off the toilet."

Yep. My crew was looking out for me.

Oh, yeah. Sis had an issue, too. She was unhappy that they got a room with the kitchen and bed on the left, when she prefers to have her kitchen and bed on the right, like we had in our room.

I did not offer to switch.