Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Time Has Come, The Powers Said, To Speak Of Many Tools...Of Mrs. HM's Workmanlike Performance, And Stubborn Missouri Mules

Every dog has its day. And yesterday was that ol' b*tch Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's day!

You know how Newmentia has been in the throes of that dadblasted S L O and U O I gobbledygook? Even The Pony knows. He had to give a speech for his public speaking class (duh), after interviewing a faculty member. And that faculty member was Mrs. Hillbilly Mom! Go figure! He got to choose his interviewee.

As a part of the speech, he had to ask the interviewee's opinion of those dreaded alphabet soup programs. And Mrs. Hillbilly Mom pulled no punches. She did not hold back one iota. Okay. Maybe she reined in a plethora of iotas. But she still told The Pony how she really felt. Like that crap was a lot of busywork to awkwardly document what we already do.

But wait! That's not how Mrs. Hillbilly Mom had her day!

All these years, she has toiled long and hard, burning the afternoon oil whilst others made hay while the sun shone. Chained to her mini-desk, not even a proper desk to call her own, but a mini-desk, kind of like those sheep in Cold Mountain that Renee Zellweger as Ruby Thewes deemed not big enough to count as proper sheep, a desk inherited from a long-ago retiree.

But wait! Mrs. Hillbilly Mom did not get a new desk. Are you crazy? She's about to retire in only eight months and one week. Nobody would give her a new desk now. What would be the point?

You might recall the workday on which Mrs. HM was sick as a dog, but attended. And went to Urgent Care the next day. On her very own Saturday. Uh huh. She went to that workday to learn more about the S L O and U O I. Even though she had a fairly good grasp of the topic, having paid attention at all the regular meetings, and having built her own curriculum last year as instructed, even though that program has now fallen by the wayside, and cannot even be accessed to find the work Mrs. HM did, burning the afternoon oil at her mini-desk.

Others in her circle pooh-poohed the S L O and U O I. "I think I'll just make something up. I'm serious. That's just busywork. Nobody cares. Really. I might even make up my student list, too. Create some kids who don't exist." Let the record show that such a statement was NOT made by Mrs. Hillbilly Mom.

In fact, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom had most of her U O I in place at the end of May. Because supposedly we were to have it ready upon return in August. The whole shebang is due at the end of the week. Okay. Not the WHOLE shebang, but half a shebang. Mrs. HM slid her lever to READY today. Because it was ready.

And now...sit up and pay attention...DOOT DO-DO DOOOO! That's the long horns from that old Imperial Margarine commercial, just before the crown appeared on the head of the margarine-eater.


Now don't get me wrong. Mrs. HM knows she has been appreciated all these years. Has she not been awarded the $150 stipend for not missing a single day all year, on four different years? Has she not been offered various subject matter to teach, because she is a Lifetime Certificate Holder of All Trades? She has been mostly left to her own devices. Supported when need be. Allowed free range with her subject matter, hair style, clothing, and classroom management style. And while Mrs. HM was never singled out for praise, even when praise was due, and that praise was on occasion heaped upon Arch Nemesis, who downright admitted to having no hand in the success that garnered her accolades...neither was Mrs. HM singled out for chastisement, or heralded as a bad example. So it came as quite a surprise yesterday when Mrs. Hillbilly Mom opened up her email and found a glowing endorsement of her superhuman effort.

"I reviewed your UOI and it was very well done."

YES! Fist-pump, baby! Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has been recognized for setting the bar. With such a glowing report, she can only imagine that the local newspaper will be knocking on her door for an interview. After all these years, Mrs. HM has finally done something right. Too bad it comes only eight months and one week from her retirement.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom will be sorely disappointed if she finds out that a plethora of others received the same message. Especially an other with a list of fictional pupils.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

A Heaping Helping Of Not-Heaven

Has Mrs. Hillbilly Mom ever mentioned that not too fond of people? I think, perhaps, the exact words might have been PEOPLE PISS ME OFF! Yes. That's it. I'm sure I mentioned it.

Last evening, The Pony had an appointment. The appointment has a waiting room approximately five feet by six feet. With a corner table, and four chairs. Two on each wall flanking the table. There are three doors that open off of the waiting area. And a short hall at the entrance, with a bathroom on the left, and an office on the right.

As you might surmise, quarters are tight. As of late, there has been a certain family that annoys the crap out of me while I'm waiting for The Pony to finish his appointment. This woman brings in a teen girl, a teen boy, and a snippet of a girl who makes Honey Boo Boo look like a wallflower. One time, the lady went in with her teen boy, and left that Snippet with the teen girl. Some people need to make their kids behave. Is all I'm sayin' is.

In the parking lot, a van (much like our $100 Caravan) pulled in. We could hear a ruckus. "Pony. I think that's the family that annoys me so much! I am NOT sitting in there with them tonight. I'll wait in the car."

Of course the minute we went in, that family was on our heels. A man who was waiting stood up to give them his seat. Teen Girl and Snippet sat down, while mom and Teen Boy stood against the wall with Man. Snippet whispered behind her hand, unsuccessfully, I might add, that The Pony had hairy legs. In came another mom and another snippet, though a little better-behaved. And out came Man's son, and the dude running things, which meant that 11 people were in that shoebox! I got up to leave. Told The Pony I would meet him outside. The mom of Snippet 2 said, "I usually go out, too, when she's called in." I didn't care. I was too busy not letting the door hit my a$$ on the way out.

I settled into T-Hoe with my newest copy of The Writer. Ah. A little relaxation time. Then I hear it. JABBERING! I could not find the source. I looked left, right, behind. I looked in the rearview mirror, the left mirror, the right mirror. Nobody. WTF? Those voices went on and on. It sounded like they were directly behind T-Hoe's rear hatch. Like somebody was sitting on his bumper. Then I hear a squeal, and caught a glimpse of movement.


I call shenanigans! Those people ALWAYS stay in the waiting room, ruining it for everyone else. If I was inside in the air conditioning, with the perk of a restroom, trying to read my Writer, they would be there staring and loud-talking. Now, with the exception of Teen Boy, they had followed me outside.

That, my friends, I why PEOPLE PISS ME OFF!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Farmer H Would Have Made A Good Juror

Did I mention once upon a time that Farmer H was almost shot twice in one week? I'm sure I did, here or there. It was a few years ago, when he asked a new property owner to remove his junk (like an old garage door) off our upper property. He did not so much ask as leave a note.That's because nobody answered when he knocked on the door, even though a curtain moved. "Would you please move this over onto your property and off of ours? Here is my name and address."

That upset me, because he just flat out told that guy where we live! Farmer H could have just as easily left his phone number on that note.

Anyhoo...Farmer H returned to find even more junk on our side of the property line. He kept going by (it WAS on the road out of here that Farmer H takes to and from work) until he saw the guy in the garage. He parked in our road and asked the guy if he could move the stuff. That got him a royal cussing.

"I'll put my stuff anywhere I want to put it, and you're not going to stop me. Come back here again, and I'll shoot you!"

Even Farmer H knew it was time to make an exit. So he came home and called the county sheriff, who sent a deputy to take a report, in which Farmer H declared that he didn't want to shoot nobody, but if that guy came down here on his property, he WOULD! Lucky for us Farmer H didn't get locked up. And that the neighbor guy up by the other property did, for threatening to shoot the deputy. Anyhoo...that is just the lead-in to a story last week when I came home from jury duty and told Farmer H that about a fourth of our jury pool declared they had a gun pointed at them.

"Like you, I guess."

"I didn't have no gun pointed at me."

"Oh. That's right. The guy only THREATENED to point one at you, and pull the trigger. And that same week, those teenage boys actually shot at you and hit the roof of your cabin, but maybe they didn't point their gun at you."

"Yeah. Oh, the #1 son pointed a gun at me. That Airsoft gun."

"Because you TOLD him to! AND you told him to shoot you."

"Yeah. We were trying to see how much it hurt."

I have no words.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Farmer H, The Transgressor Who Keeps On Transgressing

Old Mrs. Hillbilly Mom went to Frig II, to get her poor self some cheese. But when she got there, she saw with despair, a sight that made her ill at ease.

Uh huh. I went to make some super nachos yesterday. I was in a hurry, and did not want to stand and grate a hunk of sharp cheddar sliced from the block. So I grabbed the bag of shredded cheddar from the second shelf. Huh. I could have sworn that bag looked less full than the day before, when I added some shredded cheddar to our chicken tortellini. Further inspection revealed that the top of that store-bought zip lock bag that the cheese came in was not sealed. It gaped open when I unfolded the bag. I was sure I had sealed it. That's what you do to keep your cheese fresh. You don't want to find it moldy when you barely have time to grab it, what with trying not to cut the cheese. I made sure that it was sealed when I put it away. Checked three times.

Today, I wanted some more super nachos. That's because the gas station chicken store was too crowded after our trip to The Devil's Playground. No chicken for me. And no 44 oz Diet Coke. Just a trip back home to put away the groceries and whip up some lunch for myself.

I'll be darned if that bag of shredded cheddar wasn't OPEN again. I know I hear phantom footsteps in the kitchen, but I never thought of a phantom entering Frig II and getting into the cheese. And there really WAS less cheese. I used the rest on my super nachos. Good thing Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is psychic, and had the foresight Saturday to get TWO new bags of shredded cheddar at Save A Lot. None of that Devil's cheese that molds before the week is out, even though its use-by date is months in advance.

I have not yet interrogated under a bright light, officially questioned, juried, judged, and executioned, asked Farmer H about his cheese usage. But I'm pretty sure he'll deny any involvement. Even though the level of the clear plastic pack of bologna has gone down considerably since Thursday.

Maybe I know why The Devil's cheese molded a few weeks back. Could have had something to do with a big meaty microbe-crawling hand that dipped into the tender mozzarella shreds. The official investigation should be complete by the end of the week.

The alternate title was: Who Moved My Cheese, And Pawed Around In It, And Used Most Of It Up, And Left It Unsealed?

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, Ever The Skeptic

So Thursday evening Farmer H told me of a news item he heard that day. A man in India got drunk and had laid down or fallen into a hole in the street, and then he was paved over with blacktop, and two days later his hand was seen sticking out of the hole he had clawed.

Yeah, right.

"What kind of hole did he fall into? Do they have sinkholes in India?"

"It was a hole for the road, Val."

"Why do you dig a hole to fill up to pave over? How deep is that hole that they couldn't see him? Doesn't anyone look in the hole before they fill it?"

"I don't know."

"I'm so sure he could have clawed his way through blacktop. I doubt that his hand was sticking out."

"I saw it on the NEWS, Val!"

"Oh. So it MUST be true! Don't you know that half the stories in the news aren't real. They're just what the government WANTS us to talk about instead of paying attention to real issues. Especially those stories that are all over every channel and newspaper and internet site. They're fake." Let the record show that Farmer H is not at all impressed with my vast knowledge of various and assorted conspiracies. Nor is the #1 son.

"Everything on the news is not fake, Val."

"I didn't say everything. I said those stories that are all over the place. We'll see about this one."

Yesterday I found this story.

"Paved… then saved! Pregnant dog is rescued two days after it was trapped underground when Russian workers repairing a pavement built OVER her."

Yeah. Pavement in Russia collapsed, and a pregnant dog crawled in the hole, and then the workmen got there and didn't know it, and they paved over her. Two days later, locals heard the dog barking and broke up the pavement and dug her out.

How timely.

It looks fake to me. But what do I know?

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Bottomless Pockets of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom

Farmer H surprised me last evening with news of an unexpected windfall.

"Oh, I put a check in there by your purse."

"A check?"

"Yeah. From work. I bought a building for work, and that's the check."

"Wait. You bought a building for work...and now work is paying you? Isn't that part of your regular job?"

"Yesssss. But I bought the building. Put down a payment on it. And that's the check for it."

"So you bought a building, and work gave you a check?"

"Yeah. For the building."

"Then why do you have it? Shouldn't it go to who sold you the building?"

"Noooo. I paid for the building. And work gave me a check."

"Oh. You paid OUR money on a building, and work is reimbursing you."

"Yeah. That's what I said."

"Not really. So now I have to figure how much you spent, because you didn't give me a receipt, or write anything in the checkbook."

"I put it on the credit card."

"I HATE it when you put things on the credit card! I pay that off every month."

"It's not from me!"

"Yes it is! Over a hundred for automotive parts. And over two hundred for lumber and building supplies."

"Well. After I did it, I thought, 'Why did I just put that on the credit card? There's enough money in checking. I could have put it on the debit card."

"Or you could have told me."

Am I the only one who thinks Farmer H was trying to pull a fast one with that building? Acting like he had a check for me, when it was actually reimbursement for him spending our money on work merchandise?

His work is going to have to find a new cash cow other than Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, once Farmer H retires in a year and three months.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Preempted By Civic Duty And Sleep

The hour grows late.

A day of jury duty could not be escaped, no matter how much wishing and calling the automated number for case cancellations was done by Mrs. Hillbilly Mom.

That is the reason there is no charming, witty, must-read story here today. That...and a three-and-a-half hour chair nap. As my mom used to say, "Honey, you really needed that sleep." Yes I did, after two weeks of sickness sapping my strength, only allowing me several hours of shut-eye each night, in between bouts of coughing.

Thank the Gummi Mary, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is on the mend. A few brief bouts of coughing in the courtroom, but otherwise feeling fairly normal now. Let's hope yesterday's last antibiotic pill staves off a relapse.

I have a couple of Farmer H stories coming down the pike. One about India, and one about a down payment.

Let your imagination run wild.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

His Timing Is Bad, Couldn't Get Badder, If You Can't Hear Me Now, I'll Yell A Little Madder!

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is hot to trot! In her best ol' ex-teaching buddy Mabel's way. Which is not a good thing.

I pulled into the garage yesterday, all the way at 5:15. That's LATE. Even for Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. The Pony and I sometimes make it home by 4:00, and usually by 4:30. But yesterday, I had to stay after school to work on what the card-carrying members of The Semi-Weekly Meeting of the Newmentia Lunch Time Think Tank call THIS NEW CRAP THAT'S DUE BY THE END OF NEXT WEEK. I didn't make much headway, even though I did a lot of it in May. You know how The Man is always out to get you, changing horses in the middle of the stream. So a lot of that work was in vain, for free, hours of my life I will never regain. So...I had to bring work HOME!!! That is unheard of. Mrs. HM has not done that in many a year. She has efficiently streamlined her procedures (as opposed to inefficiently streamlining them) so that she has her time to herself once she leaves the building.

Once we left the building towing that homework, we had to stop by the post office. Not the dead-mouse-smelling one. It closes early. This was the main hub. Where those tortoises run relays in and out of our varicose-veined legs, laughing like hyenas at their audience, trapped like insects in amber.

On we rushed, to the Mansion, where I was whipping up some fish and a baked potato for The Pony, and vegetables with fake Velveeta for the grown-ups. Of course there was slaw in Frig II, but I'm sure Farmer H did not partake, since I didn't set it out. Wait a minute. I'm getting ahead of myself.

I pulled into the garage. All the way at 5:15. Supper to cook, dishes to wash, homework to do. Oh, and did you know I've been sick as a dog for two weeks? And that I have jury duty Thursday and Friday?  Do you know what I saw in the garage? Farmer H, taking apart my grandma's kitchen table that he parked in the garage...oh...let's see...counting fingers...counting toes...counting on Sweet Gummi Mary to prevent me from committing Farmercide...on's be exact...AUGUST 17th! The night before school started, when Farmer H insisted on driving to town and loading up stuff from my mom's house.

FIVE WEEKS! Five weeks that furniture has been in the garage, with him saying every Saturday that he was moving the table into the kitchen! And...Farmer H chooses the worst possible day to deal with the switch-over. WHO moves a table from the garage to the house on a Tuesday night? WHO? And who gets his wife riled up the night before school starts, when she has worked all week PLUS stayed late for open house?

Did I mention I've been sick? And that I had to cook? And wash dishes? And do homework? AND get plans ready to leave tomorrow at Newmentia by the end of the day, because I have jury duty Thursday and Friday?

There was my current kitchen furniture sitting on the back deck. While inside my kitchen but the fixtures. And a half-empty bottle of Sprite, and a half-empty bottle of Coke, lined up along the wall under the windows. We don't drink soda out of two-liter bottles. Farmer H does not drink sugar soda at all. This had to be left from festivities at my mom's house last year. Christmas. WHY WOULD ANYONE SAVE THAT? Where had it been?

Hot to trot, people. Hot to trot.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

You Know What They Say...Soft Head, Cold, Cold Heart

Jury duty again looms on the horizon. Only two days away, and no cancellation in sight.

Let me confess something that might betray Mrs. Hillbilly Mom’s cold, cold heart. I don’t actually want to miss work.

That’s right! You heard me. I enjoy my job. Not all the hoop-jumping. That’s hard on this old dog’s skeletal structure. But the daily part, the routine, working with the pupils…I have grown fond of it over the years. This is a great year to go out with a bang, without whimpering. At this time, I don’t have any hard-core rabble-rousers. Some annoying mosquitoes, perhaps, who have their moments. But nobody beyond repair.

The year is young, my blogfriends. It is but a pup, frolicking and gamboling and endearing itself to Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. It has not yet taken a crap on her quilt, chewed the unused (except by Farmer H) heel straps off her Crocs, or dragged its butt across the pristine white carpet of her career-end.

This time of year is the best. The salad days. The BIG salad days. When everything is humming along, falling into place, like sands through the hourglass, these are the BIG salad days of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom’s professional life. Already seven days (eight boxes) past the spiral holding The Ol’ Red Gradebook together.

I hope jury duty gets cancelled this week.

Monday, September 21, 2015

"Dealing With Fluids Sure Can Be Draining," Said Mrs. Hillbilly Mom

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire in only 8 short months? No. That's not it. I'll get right to it. I don't think you'll be able to guess.

I am going to stand outside my own bathroom door and wait for 3 minutes, then rush in and go as fast as I can. For old times' sake, you know.

Sweet Gummi Mary! Even AFTER school, after my duty, after I put my grades in the computer, after I put back up the tornado drill instruction poster that jumped off the wall right before I left, even after writing tomorrow's assignments on the white board...when I went to the faculty women's restroom, it was occupied! At 3:45 in the afternoon!

Okay, so the minute I walked into the teacher workroom to drop off my assignments for pupils other-schoolly assigned in two days, the FWRR was not occupied. Not unless somebody was sittin' in the dark gettin' ready for mischief, because I could see that the light was not showing under the door. I walked on past to the far reaches of that desolate landscape to put the work in the allotted slot.

Two denizens were standing about limply, like so many Salvador Dali clocks, their energy drained, not conversing, not greeting, not goodbyeing. Standing. Like an Elaine Benes mannequin. One was hiding by the fridge, reading a stapled paper. The other, Mrs. Not-A-Cook, stood dazed in front of the mailboxes, a printout in her hand. I trudged across the vast expanse of clutter, not wanting to disturb their reverie.


In one smooth motion, she dumped her mail, keys, and metal water cup on the paper table, and darted inside, clicking the door lock.

That is low, my friends. She's never even there at that time, preferring to run out the door at 3:10 or perhaps a shaved moment before. I was so discouraged that I left without going. That'll teach her! Of course, by the time I walked all the way to the end of the building, where I park T-Hoe, Mrs. Not-A-Cook had backed out her car and was squealing past me before I opened T-Hoe's door.

I hate it when that happens.

Oh, and on the way home, when we stopped for gas, I let The Pony use my gas change to get some donuts and a soda.

"Wait just a minute, Mom. Don't pull out yet. I have a bottle to throw away."


"Are you hoarding them? Why do we have so many bottles half full?"

"I keep forgetting to throw them away. Besides, one of them was a water bottle. It was YOURS!"

Spare me such reasoning.

Dealing with fluids sure can be draining.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

A Mysterious Symptom...Or IS It?

I think I have discovered a new affliction.

As you may recall, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom was sick as a dog yesterday, and weak as a kitten. She hauled her dragging butt to Urgent Care, and received a Z-pack for a sinus infection. After the first double-dose of that Z-pack, her nose was not exactly looking up. First a lot of yellow snot blew out and hacked up. Then the blowing and hacking continued, with less and less yellow tint. The amount of coughing slowed by about 15%, not great, but better than the old rate.

I could still not sleep. Instead of about 2 hours at a time, I was only able to lay and cough and sometimes slumber for an hour. Then up to the bathroom. To sit for 10 minutes and let the snot recollect itself wherever gravity wanted it to go. Back to bed in another position. Up to reconfigure mucus. At most, I might have gotten four hours of sleep.

That darned Robitussin did nothing but make my throat and ears hurt. I would rename it Thanksfornothin'.

This morning, I still had a case of the coughs, but the nose issues had decreased by half. Here's something I want to know, from all the worldly non-prescription-cough-medicine imbibers who have been denied the real thing:

Is projectile peeing a symptom of coughing up a sinus infection?

Because let me tell you, at the risk of divulging too much I sat on the toilet letting the snot in my head realign itself, I think I experienced several bouts of projectile peeing during assorted fits of coughing. I am shocked that my ribs did not open up like an umbrella, my head did not explode, and my eyes did not bug out like one of those squeezy rubber dolls.

Let the record show that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's internal water pressure during a coughing fit would be rivaled by a top-of-the-line pressure washer.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Imagine The Possible Carnage If I'd Asked For An Actual Meal!

Still hanging on here in Hillmomba. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom felt like she was on her deathrecliner this morning, after 11 days of only 3-4 hours of sleep per night, and the return (with vengeance) of her symptoms within hours of feeling almost normal Thursday morning.

Off to Urgent Care for a diagnosis of sinus infection, and a prescription for a Z-pack. The yellow snot is not going to triumph over Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. But for now, it is winning the battle. Still miserable, with throat pain and ear pain and a headache above her eyes...Mrs. HM popped her Zs and slunk down to her dark basement lair this afternoon. Her eyes tear at the drop of a trucker's cap, and her ears alternately ache when she swallows.

The poor Pony was on his own for supper. I brought him a DQ chicken basket for lunch, but he had to warm his leftover Chinese from Thursday for supper. Farmer H offered to pick up something for us in town while on a trip to buy chicken feed. But it was too late for The Pony, and I has no taste. So I declined. Farmer H took off for town anyway. Leaving The Pony, two hours later, to run up and grab some sustenance for me.

What could The Pony make? It was obvious that he could not whip up some tuna salad that I was craving. Or chicken salad. "But Mrs. Hillbilly Mom," you say. "The Pony is 17 years old. If not now, when?" I don't care when he makes it for himself, but I am persnickety. He would have to rinse that stuff many a time after opening the can. And he hates the smell of tuna. And he was not going to chop up a pickle and an onion. So...I asked for a can of potted meat from the small pantry, because I think it has not yet expired. And three slices of that little French bread we bought last Sunday at The Devil's Playground. As tasteless meals go, it was delicious. Then I took some Robitussin, which was actually just Tussin, the Hillbillys not being a name-brand family. I tell you what...I thought I had no taste until I got a half-dose of that Tussin in me. Ptooey! Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to drink Tussin.

I will survive. But The Pony has injured himself in his helping. He slammed his elbow into the stair post, and has a cut on his arm. A CUT! I feel guilty for not hoofing up the stairs myself to get my own tasteless supper. My eyes weep for him.

No wonder he shies away from helping people.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Guest Presenters Are D*cks

Yeah. Guest presenters are d*cks. And not the kind that quack.

"There's no need for introductions, GP, we know who you are. You're the guy who's always wherever teachers gather, but would rather work in their rooms. You want to speak to us when we're dining on donuts and bagels. You want to know if the curriculum we're teaching is any good, or if you can keep us busy for your contracted time. I want to thank you, GP, on behalf of all the teachers in the world, for your unfailing attention to allotted break time, and your concern that we are lollygagging rather than peeing. But read my lips and remember, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes we like just having the opportunity to urinate, and sometimes we like just being left alone to do it without rushing."

Oops! Mrs. Hillbilly Mom took on a Julia Sugarbaker attitude there for a minute.

Mrs. HM woke up sick as a dog this morning, but couldn't use one of her bloated 98 sick days because it was a PD day. That's right. A PD day. Without the pupils. A time for learnin' for the learners. Might as well have no sick days left and take a docking, rather than try to convince the higher-ups that Mrs. HM fell sick on the Friday of a PD day. Though by 3:00, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom wished she would have tried to pull such a stunt, rather than go all weekend without an opportunity to see a doctor about the yellow-green stuff emanating from her upper orifices.

So...I hacked and hawked and stopped short of spitting all through that presentation. GP exhibited his d*ckiness by announcing that he would end before the scheduled time, and that he would give us two breaks, and then proceeded to allot us four (FOUR!) minutes for the first break. Sweet Gummi Mary! That's how much time we get between classes. And STILL the six of us on my hall cannot get in and out of the bathroom that fast. Switch that up to a crowd of Elementia, Basementia, and Newmentia all fighting for the five stalls (and you KNOW how teaching is top-heavy with womenfolk) and imagine our consternation. Then GP proceeded to count down from 10 seconds for when break was over. What was he gonna do, call the breaktime police?

Let the record show that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom needed her fluids. Not IV fluids. Not yet. But she needed three bottles of water for that three-hour meeting. And still she coughed. As you might surmise, Mrs. HM's bladder was having none of that 4-minute-every-50-minutes break business. She needed to go when she needed to go. That's why she sat on the perimeter of the proceedings as well. So as not to interrupt, or call attention to herself. She had just told her tablemates, "As soon as we start this next activity, I'm going to the bathroom."

GP dragged it a bit longer. Told us we were getting a breaks right after the activity. But a bladder wants what a bladder wants. Pee-ers gonna pee. When GP said, "Ready...set...GO!" Mrs. HM jumped up to make her potty run. She wasn't gone long. Perhaps two minutes. It's not far. But when she returned, GP was standing at the corner of kitchen and trash can. Right by the faculty women's restroom. Looking at his watch.

OOH! I'm scared! What are you gonna do, GP? Get me fired?

Seriously. At least three other people around me had got-up-and-went during GP's presentation. One even stopped by my table and chatted about how many years she had left. GP didn't make a big show of stalking THEM! I only got up during the activity. The second one.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is mad as not-heaven, and she's not going to take it anymore!

I only gave him "agree" on all his evaluation points. Not a single "strongly agree" from this ol' gal. Guess I showed HIM!

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, Weirdo Magnet Extraordinaire

Let the record show that ever since I saw The Pony with his cell phone in his mouth last week…The Pony has suffered from a virus that stuffs up his head and sores his throat and clots his lungs with cough material.

Let the record further show that Newmentia is without a custodian for the evening shift. Personnel has been shuffled to fill in. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom’s regular custodian has been temporarily replaced by an irregular, due to medical reasons in the ranks.

Yesterday after school, after his Scholar Bowl practice, The Pony came back to my room to gather my stuff for carrying out to T-Hoe. He’s a good Pony. Plus he needs a ride home.

“You should take some cough medicine. You are all clogged up.”

“I don’t really want to. Mrs. E said I sounded a lot better today.”

“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about! You sound like CRAP!”

Just then a little old man with white hair appeared behind Pony, in the doorway. That dude needed a box of TicTacs like the Sidler. Neither one of us heard him come up. He simply materialized. He was shorter than The Pony. He looked in, then turned an left.

“Who was that man?”

“I don’t know. You’re the one who works here, not me.”

“Great. Just when I said CRAP, he showed up. I’ll get called into the office tomorrow. I might be on the news. Even though I was only telling my own personal son that he sounded like crap.”

Today, right after the Semi-Weekly Meeting of the Newmentia Lunch Time Think Tank dismissed, I saw my regular cleaner-upper. “Hey, who is cleaning my room these days?”

“Sissy Sissenstein.”

“Who? I mean that little old white-haired man who came to my room around 4:15. The one who's cleaning it.”

“What man? There’s no man cleaning your room. It’s Sissy Sissenstein. I come by and help her get caught up. There’s no man.”

“Well, there was yesterday. Standing right in my doorway.”

“I don’t know who that is. I’ve never seen a little old white-haired man in Newmentia.”

“Great. This morning, I walked in and saw the bag of trash tied up and sitting on top of today’s assignments laid out on the desk up by the pencil sharpener. I thought, ‘Oh. Maybe that little old white-haired man is getting senile and forgot my trash.’ Now you tell me that he doesn’t even work here. WHO WAS THAT MAN?”

“I don’t know. Sounds like you had a visitor.”

Indeed. If I had known the situation then, I would have yelled a lot more than ‘CRAP!’