Friday, May 30, 2014

The Blind Leading The Blind Right Over The Edge Of The Abyss

So...yesterday Mom came out to sit with me and take me to the store. Unbeknownst to Mom, I had a previous agreement with my sister the ex-mayor's wife to provide deviled eggs and potato salad for a BBQ at her house Saturday night in honor of Mom moving from septuagenaianship to octogenarianship. This was before my unfortunate hospitalization, but since I need to get back in the swing of things, I am trying to keep my end of the bargain. At least I didn't have to work all week and walk at graduation tonight and THEN make my side dishes.

I told Mom I was going to boil up a bunch of eggs and use them for egg salad, tuna salad, in salads, devil a few, etc. I was the regular Bubba Gump of eggs. I think she fell for it. Anyway, I put a big pan of water and 16 eggs on the big front burner to boil. I told Mom, "I'm kind of tired, but I figured you could check on the eggs in a minute and see if they've started to boil. I usually let them go for 10 minutes once they start boiling."

Mom said she would be happy to check on the eggs. She went to the kitchen about five minutes after I put them on. "I think they're boiling. There are little bubbles coming to the top."

"Are they LITTLE bubbles? Because I want to make sure they're really boiling."

"I'll check back in a few minutes."

"Sometimes it takes them a while. Give them five more." We were watching Little House on the Prairie. Half Pint was mean to her dog Jack, then he died. Mom was almost in tears. I had to remind her to check on the eggs.

"Oh, they're just starting to boil. I can tell. They're steaming. And those bubbles are bigger."

"Are you sure? Is it a rolling boil? Because I don't want to ruin 16 eggs if I take them off too soon. Mayb you can stick your hand in there and see how hot the water is. Is that too much to ask?"

"Do you want me to? Because I will."

"No, Mom. I just bandaged your wrist. I don't have enough first aid supplies if you dip your hand in boiling water and strip of the flesh. I'll just come look for myself."

"No. Don't get up. You rest. I'll feel close to the water."

"I can't believe it's taking this long. I put the burner between Medium High and High. I don't like it TOO high, because the eggs crack. Wait. I guess I turned on the right burner..."

"OH! You didn't! You turned on the back burner. I'll turn on the front one. Do you want me to turn the back one off?"

"Yes, Mom. I can't believe you told me those eggs were boiling. They weren't even ON. It's been 25 minutes since I turned on the wrong burner. Good to know they were steaming and boiling with no heat to the pan."

"Oh, don't get me tickled! It's a good thing you said to check the burner."

"Yeah. I think I'll check on this pan myself."

Sweet Gummi Mary! I don't know which of us is further out of touch with reality...


Sioux said...

Has your mom been sneaking some of your pain pills?

Has she been stealing whiffs from an oxygen tank?

You'd better stay away from her. She'll make you laugh--uncontrollably--resulting in more pain.

Or, is this the rough draft of a comedy routine you're working on, so that after you've retired, you and your mother can hit the comedy clubs with a unique stand-up routine?

Hillbilly Mom said...

I doubt it, because I have no pain pills because I have no pain. No oxygen tank here. She does make me laugh until I gasp for air.

It is an accidental comedy routine, just like that time I held The Pony's balls in Little Caesar's.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

laughter is the best medicine ....

Hillbilly Mom said...

And the cheapest!