Sickening The Patient

Ahhh...I woke up well-rested this morning, thinking I could just spend a lazy day lounging around the Mansion, one of my few days left not to be marred by a doctor visit or back-to-work time to serve. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom plans...Even Steven laughs.

Yes, I finally got some restful sleep, though with bizarre dreams. We won't go there. But the fact is, I was not awakened by Farmer H when he got up at 5:20 a.m. Nope. Nor when he flounced on the bed to tie his work boots at 5:50. Somehow I escaped the wakeful wrath of Farmer H. So it was going on 9:00 when I got up. The first thing I do is take my thyroid pill and check my phone.

Huh. I had a text from some odd number. Oh. I recognized it. My doctor's office, at 8:53. How odd that they cannot be bothered to answer the phone at that hour, yet they can call me. My phone has a terrible voice-to-text program dealybobber. The message went a little something like this: Hello, Hickberry Dom. This is Christy from doctor to Monty. Please give us a call at (NUMBER REDACTED PER PRIVACY POLICY).

Well. Ain't that a fine how-do-you-do? My doctor never calls. Oh, he says he will. But he does not. So I started to worry that something was wrong after my CAT scan yesterday. I tried to call the office. My cell phone doesn't work in the house. Back to the land line. They put me on hold. I vowed not to waste 10 minutes of long distance charges on hold again. I would hang up after two minutes. Which is the exact moment that gal came back on the line.

"Somebody from your office left me a message to call."

"Well, I don't see your name here. I don't know why we would have called."

"I'm just calling back like the message said."

"Do you have a lab?"

"I did yesterday."

"Let me see if I can find out who called you."

"I think it was Christy."

"Oh. I'll be right back with you."

Yep. The HOLD vortex from which few escape. It went on. And on. But I had gotten this far. Very much later, a gal with an accent got on there and said, "Doctor wanted to call you about your lab results. He is with a patient now. He will call you back in about two or three hours."

Great. So I could stew for a few hours, wondering if I'm going to drop dead from something they say in my CAT scan.

My mom, the eternal optimist, said, "Well, with that message, they probably weren't even calling you. They just somehow got your cell number, and by mistake dialed it, thinking they were talking to that Hickberry Dom. I'm sure it's got nothing to do with you."

"Um. YES. It has everything to do with me. He never calls with routine reports. Now I'm concerned."

"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing. I can see them running around trying to find out who called you, and I can hear him say over his shoulder, 'I'll call her.' He's like that."

So...I went about my business, and two hours and twenty minutes later, Doctor called me and said he had reviewed my lab results, and they looked good. Simple as that.

I don't know why my doctor is trying to give me a stroke.