Monday, April 22, 2019

Don't Just Mark The Calendar

What's going on? Here in Hillmomba, there has been a contradiction-level event! It's as if the earth has stopped spinning on its axis. I don't even know if the sun is still rising in the east. Okay. That might be because I don't get up until 10:00 a.m. But something odd is happening.

I'm kind of worried about Farmer H. He has limited his illicit Casey's donuts to ONE a day! He's lost 9 pounds. He put away a couple of grocery items a few weeks ago. And it's been well over a year since I've found a banana peel stuffed down in his La-Z-Boy, or clipped toenails in my Frosted Berry candle on the mantel.

Maybe it's another one of his maniacal plans to (I'm pretty sure) try to kill me. Every now and then, such a series of illogical events occurs that can only point my finger in that direction. In addition, sometimes I'm too slow to catch on, and my blog buddy Sioux has to suggest that Farmer H is gaslighting me.

Yes, something is off. I wonder if Farmer H might have fallen on his head while renovating his $5000 house. Lingering effects of a concussion might explain his recent behavior. Or perhaps I should check him for a fever. I don't mean to alarm anyone, but don't just mark the calendar, carve a notch in Stonehenge!

FARMER H ASKED ME TO BUY HIM A BOOK!

Sorry! I should have made sure you were sitting down. Do you need some smelling salts? A cool compress for that knot forming on your noggin? A snort of Papa's Recipe, made by the Waltons' good friends the Baldwin Sisters?

NOW do you understand my concern? Books and Farmer H go together like Mrs. HM and feet. Farmer H has never exhibited an interest in books. He has moved boxes of them for me, and kindly arranged them on shelves "in a way that looks pretty."

I won't say that Farmer H detests books on the level I detest feet, but he shows no love for them. Not even the books I've bought him as gifts. A book on Route 66. A book on the Alaska railways. A book on classic cars. All subjects near and dear to Farmer H's heart. Yet he nods and smiles when unwrapping them, then lets them lay on the pool table until next Christmas. Let the record show that we don't play pool as much as we used to.

I still have tremors in my hands, from last night when Farmer H sent me a text, from his La-Z-Boy down to my dark basement lair, requesting a specific title. I swear, I thought there was something supernatural going on!

"This guy I know has an auto biography about his life ,the title is It's Been a not-heaven of a ride can you get it from your book place I would read it"

[I swear, that's exactly as he typed it, with the exception of me leaving out the guy's name, and switching a certain locale to "not-heaven."]

"My book place? You mean Amazon?"

"Ya Amazon thank you"

"Not there. It's on Lulu. Picture of him on a horse?"

"Yes"

"They have to print it when you order."

"Ok just would like to read it since I new him"

The last time I know that Farmer H read a book (okay, the ONLY time I know that Farmer H read a book) was last summer, when he went to see Atz Kilcher, and a book came with the ticket to the event. It kept him occupied for several months.

Who am I to deny Farmer H the pleasure of reading a book? It shipped last night at 8:16.

5 comments:

Sioux Roslawski said...

Yes, HM, he's revved up his gaslighting scheme.

Since he knows that you know that he never chooses to read a book in his spare time, he's trying to cause you to stroke out or have a heart attack--out of shock.

THEN, he will be able to sell the book you ordered at his shop. (It will be in pristine shape, since it will have been untouched.)

Watch out. Either it's a scheme of his, or the world is ending. Look out for huge chasms opening up in the ground...

River said...

9 pounds? Here I am stuffing my face with chocolate after having a small bowl of ice cream and Farmer H has lost 9 pounds! I'll put the chocolate away right now. and maybe go for a walk later.
I'm wondering who the author of that book is now and I'll have to do a google search. Man on a horse?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
That plan is the work of such a mastermind that I'm re-thinking the scenario of Farmer H being an international spy, rather than having a career as maintenance manager for a butcher-saw-blade company! They DID send him all over the world...

***
River,
AND Farmer H denies that it's easier for men to lose weight. It's a proven fact, due to their muscle mass percentage! I guess he REALLY cut back on donuts and candy bars. Plus, he doesn't eat a regular lunch half the time, while he's working on the $5000 house. He takes some cheese sticks or Slim Jim sausages, and an apple.

The author is a former judge, and worked in law enforcement. I think the horse was just a hobby.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

You are not going to believe this … HeWho does not read books, either!! He does not enjoy reading at all.




Hillbilly Mom said...

Kathy,
Of course I believe it! I don't want HeWho prosecuted for bigamy, but I feel like I'm married to him, too!