Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is really good at keeping secrets! Never a slip of the lip for her. It's in the vault. Tick a lock! Wild horses couldn't drag it out of her. None of this, "I'm not supposed to tell anybody, but..." stuff for Mrs. HM. No siree, Bob!
When Genius called me two weeks ago and asked if he could host (with his two brothers) a surprise retirement party for Farmer H...of course I said yes. What kind of a heel would I be to deny my Sweet Baboo one last hurrah? That would be like not going to his retirement party at work! Oh, wait...
Anyhoo...the timing wasn't right, what with the Labor Day weekend coming on the heels of Farmer H's last day of work. So we pushed it ahead two weeks. Genius and The Veteran planned to do the grilling. I promised potato salad and baked beans, plus furnishing the meat and buns and ears of corn. Genius declared that he was bringing "a bunch of assorted cans of light beer left over from the Boys' State float trip." And a desert that he was making. The Veteran was bringing "a bottle of good whiskey" and was put on soda duty by Genius, unbeknownst to me, and I made the faux pas of telling HOS he could bring the soda. Which meant one of them had to be switched to chip duty, with Genius saying he would take care of it. But for all I know, we'll have no chips but lots of soda to not-wash them down with.
It's not a lot of work for me. Just the shopping and carrying in meat. It takes a lot of meat to plan to feed 16 people, mostly of the male persuasion. The potato salad is a breeze compared to deviled eggs. I bowed out of egg duty this time. I just wasn't feelin' it.
The hardest part was the secret. Not keeping it. Preventing Farmer H from finding it out. Normally, I don't keep enough meat to feed 16 people in the bottom of FRIG II. So I had to do my shopping surreptitiously. Okay. That was easy. Because Farmer H never helps me with the shopping. And generally, he only shows up to "help" me carry in groceries the second I have it all inside. But no! This time, I came home from the store Friday with 25 pounds of assorted meats (they are carnivores, I tell you, CARNIVORES) in T-Hoe's rear...and Farmer H was standing at the kitchen counter!
Let the record show that it's a good thing Mrs. HM has a blood-pressure-pill-treated bladder. Because I had NOTHING in my hands but my purse and 44 oz Diet Coke, as I was on my way to the bathroom before unloading all that meat. To make matters worse, the kitchen door was locked, as I had left it, so I had no clue Farmer H was inside. I could easily have been schlepping sausages and hot dogs and hamburgers and pork steaks to FRIG II, and flaunted them right under his nose as I entered!
"Oh. I thought I heard you talking."
"Yeah. I was telling the dogs I'll be right back. For their treat."
"I just came in to grab a quick lunch," said Farmer H, slapping four Vienna Sausages on a slice of bread and covering it with another. "I can help you carry stuff."
"No. That's okay. I've got it. You don't need to. You just get in my way."
Which is something I've told him before, though I usually jump at the chance to have him carry things once in a blue moon. This time, though, I had four packs of hot dog buns and two packs of hamburger buns and 12 ears of corn and a giant pack of napkins and a set of plastic silverware and a chocolate chip cookie cake in various states of exposure under my purple winter coat in T-Hoe's back hatch.
Farmer H finished his sandwich and went back outside. I hauled all the meat in, shoved as much as I could to the back of FRIG II's bottom shelf, left some inside the Walmart and Save A Lot bags, and hoped he didn't notice that I'd bought enough meat to feed 16 people.
The whole ruse revolved around Farmer H believing that I wanted him to grill for us around 2:00, so he could have the morning free to run around, and still be done eating in time to leave for the auction at 6:00, and so we'd have BBQ left over to eat throughout the week.
By the time you read this, I'll know if he fell for it. HOS told me on Thursday that The Veteran almost let the cat out of the bag, and Farmer H was getting all questiony.
I think he might have gotten a little more suspiciousy when he came home from Friday night's auction and saw that I had boiled 5 pounds of potatoes.
5 comments:
I have faith in your ability to conjure up a righteous excuse for those potatoes!! Surprise parties are hard to do, although pulled it of for the 50th birthday for HeWho. I even flew his mom in and hid her until it was party time. He was genuinely surprised. My birthday is only four months after his and he decided to surprise me ...... Yeah, that didn't happen. He told my daughter to handle everything and she told me that he pushed it off on her and she was mad about having to do all the prep. Nothing like having your child tell you that you are not worth the effort to make you feel special!
I think five pounds of boiled potatoes would look suspicious to anyone! That's a LOT of spuds. I'm surprised Hick didn't notice the bags in the bottom of fridge2 and ask what for?
HM--I can't wait to hear about the party. The party I threw for my PITA's 60th birthday (and remember, he's Polish) nearly didn't happen because he came to the appointed place (for a meeting, he thought) and came 45 minutes early. He saw that there weren't many cars in the lot and turned around and left. We had to call him and tell him to come back... and then he acted surprised (even though I let everyone know that it was NOT a surprise).
Poor Kathy; that would have pissed me off, too!!
Kathy,
I am really impressed by the hiding of the mom! It's not like you could put her in a plastic bag and shove her to the back of the refrigerator!
The daughter thing is messed up, but I can see how she would feel put-upon. But not how she would begrudge being put-upon FOR HER OWN MOTHER! The frustration must have been too much, maybe, combined with other responsibilities.
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River,
It made 4 large Chinese soup containers of potato salad. We ate one, I gave one to Genius to take with him, and we have two left in FRIG II.
Farmer H will not notice anything in FRIG II unless it is on the second shelf beside his precious hot dogs. He said later that he thought nothing of that giant bowl of boiled potatoes taking up the whole top shelf. I guess he has no idea how much potato salad that actually makes.
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Sioux,
Heh, heh! He's unsurprisable! I guess just because HE'S 45 minutes early, he thinks everyone else should show up then for a non-existent meeting, too.
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fishducky,
I don't think Kathy is appreciated nearly as much as she deserves!
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