Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Playground Hath No Fury Like A Minion Scorned

I'm a bad-butt all right. I pulled a fast one at The Devil's Playground. Actually, I didn't. But somebody THINKS I did. And THINKING is nine-tenths of perception.

There I was, Ponyless, pushing my cart to the checkout. I needed my fix. My weekly dose of not-so-reliable news. A Globe. And an Enquirer. Without my right-hand equine, I had to gather those mags for myself. Did you know that The Devil does quite a bit of business right before the holidays, and righter before the end of the world? It's true. That establishment was packed.

I wheeled my cart near the checkout lanes. I wanted to cut through a gap on the main aisle to get at my newsy papers. But my way through, between a battery display and a movie candy display, was blocked by a battleax and her cart. I moved on down the main aisle. Sweaved a bit. Grabbed my pulp fact-or-fiction, and wheeled into my favorite checkout.

The blood leaking down my neck from the burn seared into the back of my head made me curious. I turned around. To see Battleax glaring at me. MOI! Like I was a line-jumper. Oh, so sorry. EXCUUUUUUSE ME! (Put a little Steve Martin flair on that for me). You snooze, you lose. Loser.

If you park your cart between two displays on the main aisle, waiting to see which of three lines are going to move the fastest, you deserve to be caught looking when a spot is taken. I did NOT turn and ask if I took her place. I did not. She was clearly waiting.An opportunist. Make that an INopportunist.

Advantage. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom.


Sioux said...

In BigCityLand we don't play none of those video games like "Call of Duty."

It's real life in the big city.

We play REAL life games here.

Games like "Call of a New Register Opening." The object is to get to the new register lane first, at all costs. Double points for knocking over an elderly person. Quadruple points for pushing aside an elderly person WITH a grandchild in tow.

Games like "Employee Down." The object is to sight an employee at Target/Walmart/KMart, chase them down until you're in their territory, and torture them until they admit they do indeed work there...Then you can ask them the question you have for them.

Yes, life in BigCityLand is fun indeed...

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Smooth shopper, you! I am always apologizing to those in line behind me. I am that shopper. You know, the one who has two orders in her cart. One is tax-free and the other is for home and to top it off, I pay with wad of 300 ones I have tucked in my purse, causing the girl taking the money to be so very confused. Sorry, sorry, I say. Sorry.

Hillbilly Mom said...

So cutthroat, you urban dwellers! I'm lucky to have escaped with my husband intact.

Ack! I know you well! But you seem to have a cart full of milk jugs and cookies when I'm behind you. For a church daycare, I imagine.