One Of These Days, He's Gonna Get Slapped

Farmer H has been wheeling and dealing like there's no tomorrow. I'm surprised there's not a tracker on him to administer a shock when he leaves the Mansion grounds. Of course he's selling his firearms, some of them to law enforcement officers from other counties! He's got a buyer interested in both 4-wheelers. He was planning to sell the Scout, which is like a poor man's Gator, a red, stripped down version. But I said The Pony might want to drive it down to the creek, or around the roads when he's home, and can't stand being around us anymore!

Anyhoo...Farmer H has been waiting for the local license office to open up again, because he needed to pay the tax and license fees for that new used trailer he got a couple weeks ago. Wednesday morning, he sent me a picture.

"Line at license office 20 minutes before opening."

That would have been a normal line, for the end of the month, if they were just spaced the regular way. Farmer H said that TWO girls were working inside, instead of the usual three.

"One of them all she did was stand at the door, and when someone left, she opened it for the next person to come in! She was way closer to them than she needed to be."

"That's stupid! The one desk is right there across from the door! She could have worked like normal, and if somebody came in before they were allowed, all she had to do was say, ''Uh uh. I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until somebody comes out.' All they needed was a sign on the outside of the door saying PLEASE DON'T COME IN UNTIL SOMEONE COMES OUT."

"Yeah, but I'm sure she was just going by what they told her to do. They probably have some special rules they have to go by, like making someone guard the door."

"I'm shocked they haven't painted distance lines on their sidewalk!"

"Yeah. It's a trip. Me and another guy was talking about it."

Farmer H might want to be more careful about taking pictures of people. I think there's a lot of people simmering with frustration these days. Especially at the license office at the end of the month!

You Can Call Me Judy

I've been withholding information. Seeing as how I've run out of things to babble about, I'm going to expose it right now. Make a reveal. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with my ample rumpus. It's tantamount to tattling. But I won't let that stop me. Mrs. HM can be an unofficial Judy Hensler. I don't think any of you are going to pick up the Stay-At-Home-Down hotline.

Last week, as I was writing out my AT&T check in T-Hoe down at Mailbox Row, a silver sedan came down the blacktop hill. I could tell that it was going to turn in to our gravel road. But then it hesitated, and parked just past the lock box at the end of Mailbox Row. IN THE ROAD! There's no shoulder there. No parking. Bold as you please, that guy parked his silver sedan just before getting on our low water bridge, and got out with his child. A curly-headed lad of about 10 years.

I kept my eye on them. They didn't seem menacing, but as you may have caught a hint over these many years, Mrs. HM does not like trespassers. Which they weren't. Yet. Since they were on the public county road and bridge. Walking from side to side. Peering into the creek. Minding their business. Not leaving any trash or profferring food to any pets.

I finished writing out my check, sealed up the envelope, stamped it, and picked up my new used iPhone 8 to see what text Farmer H had sent me. So confusing. That dang phone won't get reception anywhere, but down by the creek, in the black hole of phone reception, it always gives me an incoming text from Farmer H or The Pony.

As long as I had the phone in my hand, I decided to take a picture of the silver sedan. Just for blog purposes. Although not sure that my stupid phone would keep it so I could share it with you. I didn't suspect foul play from this pair. It looked (I assumed) like I was still near-sightedly checking my texts. But I guess Silver Sedaner was worried that I was documenting his presence.*

As I started up T-Hoe, and pulled the front tires onto the road, Silver Sedaner started toward me. Motioned for me to put down the window. I stopped, and did so.

WHAT IN THE NOT-HEAVEN IS WRONG WITH ME?

Obviously, in a low-budget horror movie with a thin plot and unattractive actors, I would be the first killed!

Silver Sedaner walked over, and asked,

"Is this a public road?"

"No. There's a sign RIGHT THERE that says NO TRESPASSING."

"Oh. Okay. Then we won't go on it."

"We have a lot of trouble with trespassers. They throw out trash. We've had an old refrigerator and a traveling meth lab. Somebody threw out a big aquarium. And I sat at the mailboxes and watched a guy dump a truckload of tree limbs right across the end of the road here!"

"Oh. I can understand why you wouldn't want people out here."

"Wait a minute," said Curly Top, who had also walked over. "You mean there are AQUARIUMS in the creek?"

"No. Just broken glass from broken aquariums BESIDE the creek."

"Oh. Gotcha." He went back to look at the water."

"Do you know if there are any other creeks along this road?"

"No. Not on this road. I mean, creeks are free to everybody. It's just finding a place to park that's not private property..."

"Yeah. I understand, hearing the problems you've had. It's just that with the lockdown, we don't have anything to do, so we're just out looking around."

Yeah. And he was pretty close to violating my six-foot bubble, too.

"Well, like I said, creeks are for everybody. Nobody really owns them. Just the property next to them."

Not that I was trying to be a smarta$$, you know. But if ONE person thinks it's okay to park there, and tells a friend, and HE tells a friend...well, before you know it, we'll have even more trash-dumpers and dog-stealers out here.

Really. I bore him no ill will. He seemed like a nice-enough guy, out with his kid. 

I don't recall any recent ordinances suggesting we drive around and park on other people's property just because we're bored...
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*Maybe it's a good thing I DID, because now that I have the picture blown up, I think he might have had an accomplice in the car!
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I Might As Well Stay At Home, Down

Well, this is depressing! I might as well sit at home, feeling down, a face like cartoon dog Droopy. Getting out twice a week has not been very rewarding. The opposite, almost.

Monday I picked up a few items in Save A Lot, and headed for the bank to deposit a refund check from our car insurance. Last time I was at the bank, it took me 15 minutes of waiting, behind only one car, to do my business. On this day, two drive-thru lanes were open, with FIVE CARS EACH waiting for a turn.

Sweet Gummi Mary, no thank you Larry!

No way was I going to sit in that line and wait! I'd already bought my groceries (against my better judgment), and did not have an hour to wait in line to make a deposit. I think that insurance check will keep until my next outing on Thursday.

Here's the kicker. On my way back home, ANOTHER crazy gal tried to ram into the side of T-Hoe! I swear, just like I'm a weirdo magnet, T-Hoe is a crazy-driver sucker.

I was over by the glass factory, in front of the old mineral museum that is now a cheap funeral home. The car in front of me was waiting to make a left turn. So I stopped, as the law and common sense dictate. To my right was the road coming out of the glass factory complex. It has a stop sign. People were waiting to pull out.

The car in front of me made its left turn. I started forward again, as the law and common sense dictate. WHOA, NELLY! And by that, I'm assuming that crazy gal driver's name was Nelly. She tried to drive INTO THE PASSENGER SIDE OF T-HOE!

Don't think Mrs. HM was at fault! She was just resuming her journey after stopping behind the left-turner! That's the main road. No stop sign, no stoplight. NELLY acted like T-Hoe was invisible! I swerved over the center line to avoid the collision. Which was neither the law, nor common sense. Thank the Gummi Mary, the two oncoming cars also swerved, onto the narrow shoulder, to allow me room. I laid on the horn (that's what it's for, a WARNING), and NELLY jammed on her brakes. Might have missed me by a foot or two.

Thing is, not only was NELLY pulling out into the side of T-Hoe, she would have hit the traffic from the other lane if T-Hoe vanished in a POOF of Even Steven's magic rescue.

Sheesh! I might as well sit at home and twiddle my thumbs. It's safer. Also, the irony is not lost on me that I was going to deposit a car insurance refund (due to people driving less and having fewer accidents), and I was ALMOST IN AN ACCIDENT!

A Community Of Judy Henslers

Hillmomba is full of narcs! With nothing better to do, Stay-At-Home-Downed citizens are turning in their fellow captives. It all came out in the local online newspaper this evening.

On Sunday, the health department posted that they had been informed of a large gathering which was a violation of the state-at-home order!

DUN DUN DUNNN!

Furthermore, it was rumored that the event was at a local drag-racing strip in the area of Farmer H's Storage Unit Store. Supposedly, they had advertised last week that they would be open on Sunday for "test and tune," spreading cars out over the parking lot in accord with social distancing.

Of course the busybodies were all up in arms, because this would attract people FROM OTHER JURISDICTIONS! The county health center contacted the make-it-happeners, notifying them that this was a violation of the more-than-10-persons provision of the state stay-at-home order that ends May 3.

Here's the deal. This drag strip is OUTSIDE! It was over 70 degrees, and sunny. They would be IN CARS. Even if people got out to watch, I don't see any harm if they don't congregate in groups more than 10, and keep 6 feet away from each other. Did I mention that this is OUTSIDE? In the fresh air and sunshine?

Sure, some of the participants might go in a convenience store for beverages. Or drive through a fast-food restaurant. Or buy groceries. I don't think it's the end of the world. It's not like they're stuffing themselves in a phone booth, swallowing goldfish.

I think some people expect everyone to stay at home forever.

Looks Like Mrs. HM Is Set In Her Public Enemy Ways

I am the most shady honest person I know! True, I don't know a lot of people. People piss me off. I tend to shun them. According to Farmer H, "You ALWAYS seem to have trouble with stuff, HM. The littlest things." To which I replied,

"DON'T I KNOW IT!"

I think he was probably being sarcastic with me. He is so NOT-nuanced in his statements that I took him on face value, as if he was agreeing that life wants me to make a lake-full of lemonade.

Saturday night, for instance, I wasted THREE HOURS trying to do the simplest of internet chores. The first was to check my DISH account, to make sure they had credited my last payment by mail that was still in transit when I paid online. They HAD, but it took me over 45 minutes to log in. I still can't tell you how I succeeded.

Seriously. I went to the login page, and put in my info. After several responses of SOMETHING WENT WRONG, TRY AGAIN LATER, I clicked that I forgot my password. I didn't forget it, but this is how I got logged in last time. Back then, I followed the reset link in my email, entered the same password, and it worked. Not this time.

I also said I forgot my username. I didn't. But I opened the email that told me the exact username I'd been using, and followed the link, and tried again. Several times. No luck. I closed out and restarted New Delly. Nope. I checked isitdownrightnow.com, which said DISH was working for everyone else. I gave up for several hours. Went back to try again. On about the seventh try that time, it WORKED! Even though I had done nothing differently!

Well, fresh from that success of finding out that I was current on my DISH bill... I caved to Farmer H's command that I try to file for social security. I don't think I can get it. I only have 36 quarters of non-teacher work, not the required 40. Farmer H says I can get a portion of his, but I think my teacher retirement is too high for that. Anyhoo... he's been hounding me since February, so I gave it a try.

SWEET GUMMI MARY! How I wished I had not pushed my luck after the DISH success!

I looked at the conditions to file. I met them. I even printed out a list of info I would need. I had all that at my elbow. Once I entered the portal, I put in my name, SS number, address, phone. Then I clicked the NEXT button to open an account to file.

A page of ridiculous questions came up! I was not warned about this! I did not have such information! For example, it said that I may or may not have filed for a student loan in 2013, and which company was the underwriter of the student loan. I had five choices, the last being NONE OF THE ABOVE. Of course I picked that. I never filed for a student loan! We didn't need a student loan. That was the year Genius went off to college. He had a scholarship, and we had a college fund for him. Yet that question did not give me the option of saying I DIDN'T FILE FOR A STUDENT LOAN. One of the choices, the only one I recognized, was GMAC. That's a car dealer loan! Which we didn't file during that year, either!

SHEESH. Long story put to rest... the next screen LOCKED ME OUT! Or, as the gov website politely put it, "We have suspended electronic access to your personal information." It SAYS they will let me back in after 24 hours.

I am really an honest person who has always paid my bills and lived within the rules of society. WHY can't I do a simple task or two without being treated like a criminal by the innernets???

The Universe Took A Break From Conspiring Against Me

Mark your calendar! Not for the day you might be released from Stay-At-Home-Down, but for RIGHT NOW, when I tell you this bit of news.

Remember how I had a little lottery faux pas on Monday, when I mis-read my winning scratcher numbers? I felt like I had to set the record straight about that. I put it out there in The Universe that I was at least happy to have THOUGHT there was a big winner at my fingertips.

Well, surprise, surprise! On my next trip to town, Thursday, I bought that same ticket, but somewhere else.

Uh huh. That's a $100 winner. Not quite as good as the five hundred I had mistakenly thought I won. But still GREAT! I got it out of Country Mart's left-side machine. I hadn't even planned on getting tickets there, but unforeseen events drove me to it.

I'm not complaining! About THIS, anyway...

You'd Think I'd Be Happy Just To Be OUT

Well, you'd think wrong! At first I WAS happy to be out. Then I put T-Hoe in line at the bank. There are only three drive-thru lanes. The right lane had the red CLOSED light on. The middle lane had the green OPEN light on. The left lane didn't seem to have either.

One car was ahead of me. In park, turned off. That's okay. I do that myself. I got in line behind it. A red car came up behind me to also wait. Well! I suppose the tellers were inside watching their soap operas, waiting for a commercial before serving customers. There was no activity in the car ahead of me. She wasn't filling out anything, or sending anything through the tube, or talking to the speaker. Just waiting.

I responded to a text from The Pony. Yes, I DO know that Dairy Queen now has biscuits with their chicken tender meal. I fiddled with the radio. Checked T-Hoe's clock eleventy-billion times. After 10 minutes, I heard the vacuum tube, and the canister came out. The lady took her stuff and left. MY TURN!

All I needed was a withdrawal. I sent in the slip. I don't know why it takes five minutes to count out a few bills. It's not like they had to warm up the printing press.

Fifteen minutes at the bank drive-thru, with only one person ahead of me.

Good thing I didn't take my four Series EE savings bonds to redeem... I might still be sitting there.