Mmm. Corn on the cob. That's what I'm talkin' about. None of this nonsense of kernels cut off the cob and fried up in bacon grease. That's crazy talk! That would need to be eaten with a spoon! Or with a fork, if you're some kind of weirdo like people who eat peas with a knife. Can you believe that? People actually eat PEAS! I hate peas. But I luuuurrrrrve me some corn on the cob.
Yeah, we had some more tonight. I think it was Farmer H's leftover Auction Corn. Still tasty, though. I confess. I ate two ears. It was sweet as candy. Not candy corn. That stuff is just TOO sweet, unless you mix it with equal parts dry-roasted peanuts. Then it tastes just like a Payday candy bar. And who doesn't like a Payday?
Corn on the cob is not something to be eaten in a restaurant. Laws no! M-O-O-N. According to Tom Cullen, that spells, "People should eat corn in the privacy of their own home, where they can let butter drip down their chin, and stray kernels shoot across the table at their spouse, or build up at the corners of their lips to be swiped back in later with one's tongue."
What method of corn on the cob ingestion do you prefer? Are you a typewriter or a log-roller? I'm a typewriter. Start at the left end, munch your way to the right. All the way. No stopping in the middle of a row. Let butter drip off your chin like watermelon juice from a toddler's first wedge. Savor that big bite. Then butter up the next row and start over, just like hitting the return bar.
Don't be fooled by fast food corn on the cob. Or those frozen sections. That's not the size of a roastin' ear! Eat your vegetables! Cut back on the fried chicken. Balance, people. Balance.
And remember...like beer, you don't really buy corn on the cob. You only rent it.
4 comments:
Rent corn? That is hilarious.
I've alerted the NPC (National Pork Council) about your disparaging remarks about corn and bacon grease. They're squealing with rage. If you happen to be on the phone and then hear some snuffling or oinking, you'll know they are tapping your phone, so hang up quickly.
Sioux,
I see that you, Madam, are one of those hypersensitive vocalists feeding at the National Pork Council trough. The NPC will have to get in line to tap MY phone.
Why don't you volunteer for GreenPeace in your spare time? You know, to keep your arteries from solidifying with bacon grease. Don't let the fate of Russell Dalrymple scare you. That was just Even Steven settling the score because Russell's axing of The Show About Nothing was a vengeful reaction to a certain writer's admiration of his teenage daughter's hooters.
Mmmm. I loves me some corn! I eat my corn one section at a time. I love Tom Cullen's thoughts on corn. That is the way it should be.
Chick,
You mean like one tiny row? A single-file line of kernels? That would be torture, like those "anticipa-a-tion" ketchup bottle commercials!
Carpe Corn! Seize the corn! Gobble it with abandon!
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