Please Don't Wheeze The Char-Mom

There's an ongoing problem at the Mansion, and Mrs. Hillbilly Mom her own self is partially responsible. It's a matter of a good deed not going unpunished.

Last time I did the shopping, I bought a treat for Farmer H. Not a sweet treat, as I'm sure he would have desired more, but a savory treat. A box of 12 individual microwave packets of Orville Redenbacher's Movie Theater Butter Popcorn. Farmer H likes popcorn. He just doesn't know how to make it.

That's a sad fact, but still a fact. It's not like the olden days of our childhood, when popcorn was made by pouring oil into a saucepan, heating it until it sizzled, dropping in a single kernel of popcorn (and quickly putting a lid on) until it popped. Then the rest of the popcorn kernels were poured into the pan. Just enough to cover the bottom. With the lid quickly replaced, shaking could commence. When the popping slowed to almost nothing, the pan was removed from the heat, and the popcorn poured into a bowl. Just add salt, and VOILA! A tasty nighttime treat! My grandma added melted butter, but I was not a fan. I liked my popcorn crunchy, not soggy with butter.

These days, all you need is a microwave, and a little common sense. Let's just say that Farmer H only possesses one of those necessities.

So far, he's made popcorn two nights in a row. I don't hear the process, being in my dark basement lair, but I know when Farmer H pops his popcorn. Yes. The smell of burned popcorn permeates even subterranean levels. I don't think it's actual smoke. I can still see, even though my eyes water from the acrid aroma. I have trouble breathing that befouled air. I get wheezy. I can't escape it.

When I ascend the stairs at 3:00 a.m., it gets worse. The carpet and furniture absorb that odor. But not all of it! They release it for days, too. When I came back from town yesterday, the stench nearly knocked me over as I entered the kitchen.

Here's the thing. Farmer H declares that he sets the microwave on POPCORN to pop his treat. I have told him many times over the years that this is too long. It burns the popcorn. Maybe popcorn packaging has changed since the days of this microwave. Maybe it's always been off. I think that setting goes for about 3:30, as I recall. WAY too long!

I asked Farmer H on Thursday evening, "Are you going to go through all 12 packs before you figure out the right setting NOT to burn your popcorn?"

"I don't know what's wrong! I put it on POPCORN the first night, and it burned. So last night, I put it on 3:00. And it still burned!" He acted like he'd been betrayed by both the microwave and the popcorn. An evil conspiracy to char his treat. Which he ate every kernel of anyway.

"Put it on 2:30. Stand there. If it's still popping pretty fast, punch in another 15 seconds. Take it out if you get a burny smell, or if it slows way down. Not ALL kernels will pop."

Farmer H didn't have any popcorn Thursday night, because he had to quit eating for his doctor appointment the next day. I'm pretty sure he'll forget my advice at the next popping.