Thursday, November 15, 2012

Fifteen Things

Ripped from the headlines of Reader's Digest online, and poked and prodded to suit Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's plagiarism protocols, I proudly present to you...

15 Things Teachers Don't Tell Students

1. We like you. We really like you. Not in a creepy way.

2. During the winter, we do a little snow dance each evening when conditions are right.

3. We will tolerate a lot of misbehavior if only you stop when told, and show respect.

4. We do not believe the reasons you give for not having your homework.

5. We are normal people when we are away from school. Normal people sometimes smoke, drink, gamble, curse, have boyfriends or girlfriends, and drive too fast.

6. Those times you were "picked" to receive a prize, or had your club dues paid anonymously, or prom tickets purchased on your behalf, or were sponsored for co-curricular trips or sports equipment...a teacher was behind it.

7. We will tell your secrets in a heartbeat if we sense that you are in danger if we don't.

8. We must give homework and tests to provide documentation that you are learning, but many of our lessons are absorbed by you informally, and subconsciously.

9. We don't really eat the homemade treats that you bring for us.

10. We will buy an item from your overpriced fundraiser catalog if you are the first student to ask us.

11. We tolerate you when you stop by the teacher lunch table to chat, but in reality, we would rather be sharing adult companionship for those twenty-five minutes.

12. When we see you walking along the road after school, we would really like to give you a ride. Sadly, the attitudes of today's society, along with fear of a false accusation, prevents it.

13. Joking that "I might as well kill myself" or that you are so mad at somebody, "I could just kill him" will result in a conference with the counselor and principal. Such jokes are now regarded as threats to be investigated.

14. We don't give a hoot if your wear your hat in the building, but we enforce the rule because we are the enforcers.

15. Our eyes tear up when we see you walk across the gym to receive your diploma.

Shh...these trade secrets must not fall into the wrong hands.


Sioux said...

And here's another one: When we say,"Thanks for drawing me that picture. I'm going to take it home and hang it up on my refrigerator," what I'm usually going to do (in reality) is throw it away in the trashcan AFTER school.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Well, you can't put every picture on your refrigerator. That would be a fire hazard when you light up the candles and do that little snow dance every night between the months of November and April.

Sioux said...

The teachers in Hillbillyland stop their snow dances in APRIL? That is why we never get those freaky snowstorms in May--because some of the state is slacking off...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Yes. We're the reason teachers can't have nice things. We usually have a couple of days per year when the town water pump breaks, and we can't have school. Thus our laziness in the snow dance regimen.