Monday, June 10, 2013

The Long Dry Spell Has Ended

I have to go give a blood sample tomorrow morning. That means I have about a half hour to founder myself on tasty food and beverage. Normally, I would be dreading this dry spell.

To save my sick days at school, I used to put off these labs until the afternoon. No big deal. All I had to do was skip lunch. The food was not an issue. It was THE FLUIDS! By the end of the day, I felt like a dessicated scrap of beef jerky. Like an old corn husk blowing across the south forty. An onion skin crumbling in the bottom of the net bag.

Last school year, I started using my sick days for what they were intended. Sickness. Medical appointments. So I discovered that it's no big deal to go overnight without food and drink. After all, you're unconscious most of that time. Not traipsing around a classroom losing valuable mouth moisture educating the citizens of the future. OK. The drink withholding still bothered me. Never mind that I don't drink much at night. The thought of not being able to have a drink made me thirstier than Kramer eating pretzels after shooting a Woody Allen movie. And then, last year, a phlebotomist told me a secret that blew the lid off the blood-drawing industry.

"We actually encourage people to drink water, because it gives us good veins to draw from."

Hallelujah! Sing it from the medical center rooftops! You can drink water even when you're having a fasting blood test! Water! Cool, clear, water! Yeah! Sing it like a son of a pioneer! No more of that, "Just a sip to take your medicine in the morning." Nope. Swill it like a Texas Ranger out of a filthy hoofprint.

Excuse me. I'm going to fill up my Bubba cup with ice water.

5 comments:

Sioux said...

HM--Can't you put blood into a radiator that's empty of antifreeze/water?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
I think you might be confusing blood with urine, Madam. Blood is a bit viscous to cool down an engine. Urine, on the other hand, was used as radiator fluid by Patrick Swayze and that troubled Sheen boy in the original Red Dawn.

Sioux said...

Well, Kramer did it.

(Did I stump you?)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

The clinic we use lets He Who drink his diet coke. He claims water gives him indigestion .....

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
SGM! That means SWEET GUMMI MARY! I've been stumped! It must have been that time Kramer withdrew his blood from the blood bank and filled Jerry's freezer with Tupperware. I thought it all got used in Jerry's transfusion when he got nicked by the knife that George was using to make pudding skin singles.

I'VE BEEN STUMPED! I humbly proffer my Seinfeld crown.

****
Kathy,
Dang! Are they part-time witch doctors who own a Coca Cola distributorship?