Get Me A Crystal Ball

Farmer H sometimes ASSUMES people know what he's talking about. Usually they don't, but just nod their head and pretend. Or else they might ask a question, and then rue the day that such an impulse came upon them. Because Farmer H will simply repeat himself umpteen times, getting louder each time, before declaring, "There's no talking to you!"

Pretending you can read Farmer H's mind can lead to real life conversations like the famous Abbot and Costello "Who's On First" routine. Only not very funny.

Sunday morning, as I was still trying to catch a few ZZZZZZs, I heard Farmer H come back in the house at 9:00. He generally sees himself as the arbiter of proper wake-up time. Now that he's retired, he doesn't get up at 5:30 any more, but he's generally up at 7:00 and out of the house at 8:00. Of course, he goes to bed around 10:30, so he gets a full night's sleep. Even though I go to bed around 3:00 or 4:00 a.m., Farmer H seems to think I should be up by 9:00. He doesn't outright wake me, but he calls or sends a text or slams doors.

I ignored him, and he left again.

At 10:30, Farmer H once again came into the Mansion. I heard the kitchen door squeak and slam. He did not come to the bedroom, though. He left. I got up and called him.

"Why are you in and out of the house, and not selling at your Storage Unit Store like you do every Sunday?"

"It's raining."

"Why did you come in the house?"

"That was two hours ago. I had to go to the bathroom."

"It was at 9:00, and just ten minutes ago. At 10:30."

"I just wanted to tell you I'd be over here working."

"So you never bother to tell where you're going, but you'll wake me up to tell me that you're here."

"I didn't wake you up."

"Well. You DID."

"Okay, forget it. I was just being nice, telling you where I was going to be."

Funny how Farmer H has not seen the need since last August to tell me where he is, but when I'm sleeping in, he's all information-desk-at-the-libraryish. I let it go. When I got ready for town, I sent him a text.

"Going to town for my soda. Do you want anything?" See. I'm nice to HIM.

"No I'm good I love you"

Oh. Looks like HE was trying to be nice, too. Since Farmer H was right there working in the new Freight Container Garage, I left the Mansion door unlocked. He pops over for lunch early. Or comes back for the bathroom. Besides, I don't have to juggle keys when I'm holding my 44 oz Diet Coke. Off I went, visions of scratchers dancing in my head.

At the bottom of the first gravel hill, I saw Farmer H's Trailblazer coming down the hill from HOS's house. He stopped before he got to the little low water bridge on that side. I pulled on out, my own little low water bridge right there at a right angle to the part of the gravel road Farmer H was on. I continued towards the mailboxes and county blacktop road. Funny how Farmer H had not told me he was going somewhere. I could see him way back, following along behind me. I called him on the cell phone.

"I thought you were working."

"I was."

"Where are you going?"

"I found some stuff to give The Veteran's little girls. And I need an electric box."

"Funny how you can wake me up to tell me you're going to be here working, but don't bother to tell me that you're going somewhere else after I'm already up."

"Why are you always on me? I don't know what the big deal is. I'm just going to town. I tried to stop you and talk to you."

"No you didn't! You just stopped, like you were hoping I didn't see you! You didn't get closer, you didn't put your window down, you didn't flash your lights, you didn't call. How was I supposed to know you wanted to talk to me??? Well, anyway, I left the house unlocked, because I thought you were there."

"I wasn't there. I'll turn around and go back and lock it!"

"No. I'll be home in 30 minutes. It's just that you have a fit about the door being locked. AND you never tell me where you are. Unless I'm sleeping, and you want to tell me you're home working. Like you can't leave a paper plate note or send a text."

"Whatever."

So...I got back home. Everything was fine. I still had no idea where Farmer H was all afternoon. No reason for him to tell me since I was awake, I guess. I came upstairs at supper time to find him sitting in the La-Z-Boy. Which I already knew, because I'd heard him come in and settle down.

"Why did you need an electric box?"

"I TOLD you, I was working on Bev's burglar alarm."

"No, you said, 'I'll be here working' when I called you."

"Yeah. I was over at Bev's house."

"You said you were doing THAT on Monday. And you also said that the BARn's electric bill was 76% higher because you'd been leaving the lights on in the Freight Container Garage because you weren't done running the wire. So I thought you were over there."

"No. I told you all along that I was at Bev's working. That's what I needed the electric box for. Her husband thought he had one, but he didn't."

There's no talking to Farmer H.