It's MADDENING, I Tell You!

It's Farmer H's world, and other people are sometimes allowed to co-exist in it.

Friday evening, Farmer H said he'd get his big salad when he was ready. I set out a mini pack of Ritz Crackers for him. And the bag of fried onions for topping. Told him if he ran out of his Bacon Ranch dressing, there was a bottle of Lite Ranch in the door of FRIG II.

I was sitting at the kitchen table when Farmer H came in to get his salad. He managed to take the lid off the container. And get a fork from the drawer. Then he took out a bottle of dressing, flipped open the lid, and was trying to squeeze it onto his big salad. Looked at it quizzically. Then put it back in FRIG II's door.

"Huh. I got the wrong one."

Yes. The unopened bottle of Lite Ranch. And rather than unscrew the lid, and peel off the foil, he put it back into FRIG II. Then Farmer H took the Bacon Ranch, and started to put it on his salad.

"Wait! You're not going to shake it up first?"

"Yes! I'm shaking it."

Farmer H had the bottle upside down, and started shaking it. As if that's not a recipe for disaster!

"That's a good way to spill it all over the floor! Who shakes a bottle upside down? Oh, wait. YOU won't be the one cleaning up the mess. I will."

"I'm not shaking it upside down!" Said Farmer H, righting the bottle as he spoke.

Then Farmer H took his big salad to the long couch and set it on the marred coffee table, seating himself for a feast.

"Did you take a paper towel? Those crackers are greasy."

"Not yet. I had my hands full of the salad and my soda and the crackers."

"Because a paper towel is so heavy and hard to hold..."

Farmer H came back to get a paper towel. When he sat down again, I had another thought.

"Did you put the fried onions on top?"

"No. I forgot."

"That's what makes it good."

"I know."

Farmer H came back with his big salad, and shook some fried onions on top.

Later, when I went to put the fried onions on top of my big salad, the bag was open. Oh, well. It had only been a couple of hours. When I tried to seal the bag, it wouldn't close. Closer inspection revealed that the zip-lock part wouldn't work. Couldn't work. Because it was already sealed, with both halves on one side of the package. Farmer H had yanked it open, tearing the one zip side loose from the bag.

"Huh. I can't seal up the fried onions, because you yanked the seal off the side of the bag. It's already zipped, but not holding the sides together."

"I DID NOT! You always blame everything on me! Maybe YOU did it!"

"Well. The bag was open when I got it. So not me. I last used it a couple days ago. When I made sure it was sealed. I always do that when I'm done. And it WAS. Now after you used it, it's broken. You always have ten different excuses denying what you've done. Just because you say it's so, doesn't make it so."

"Yeah! Like you saying I messed up the package!"

I would really like to see Farmer H in court, under cross-examination from a reputable lawyer. Maybe it will happen, from the great beyond, once he succeeds in killing me.