So Capricious, The Universe

I had a plan on Friday morning. I know it takes me three hours to go through my leg pump and shower routine. I had checked the program guide to see what would be on TV while I was captive in my recliner for an hour. There was a good crime show on at 10:00, about a kidnapped 12-year-old boy.

My timing was impeccable. I had put in a load of laundry before the shower, and switched it to the dryer after. I was into my leg pumps, all plugged in, at 9:56. I reclined my OPC (Old People Chair). Turned on the pumps. I was watching the beginning of my show, when they introduce the victim and the suspects. At 10:01, my show stopped. There was a notice on the screen that said COMPLETE SIGNAL LOSS, due to weather.

The Universe, it seems, also had impeccable timing. All that effort for nothing! I picked up my phone to check Show Me Cash numbers for The Pony's draw ticket. The MOLottery app started to load, but went nowhere. Just the screen showing that it was MOLottery. I couldn't close it out to do anything else. I figured my internet was down as well. But I couldn't close this screen. Couldn't shrink it. No way to get to anything else, such as to call The Pony or send texts. A restart would also lock up with a firmware reporting thingy that takes forever on a good day.

Well. I was reclined and pumping, with nothing to entertain me. I figured I might as well have a nap. But I couldn't fall asleep. Time ticked slowly. At 10:16, the TV showed that DISH was acquiring signal. It finally finished. Then it was loading the program guide. THEN my show came back. I was able to see the last half hour. Still, you're not as invested as if you'd been given a peek into the lives of the people at the beginning.

Seeing how The Universe was being cantankerous, I was prepared in the evening. I had checked the futurecast radar, and knew that a storm was likely to hit us between 8:30 and 9:30. That's usually when I'm having my supper, and watching YouTube channels. So I got my own supper ready right after Farmer H's. I was sitting down to eat by 7:15. Finished by 8:15.

At 8:30, Farmer H went to look outside. While he was on the porch, the TV went off. As did my internet. No problem! I just played some solitaire. Farmer H went to take a shower and go to bed. I heard the TV come back on at 8:55. I started getting ads during solitaire, so I knew my internet was back.

But wait! The Universe could not be outsmarted. An alert blared from my phone. Our area was under a tornado warning. I went to the living room to search for a TV meteorologist. Found one! She had the radar, showing the leading edge of the storm with rotation. And said it would be in Sis-Town in 16 minutes, and Hillmomba in 8 minutes. I called The Pony, who does not have network TV. The Pony said the town tornado sirens were going off.

Luckily The Pony found an app with a local weatherman and radar. And kept me informed, because MY TV WENT OFF, due to weather.

We both survived the storms. So I would say that we both won over The Universe.

Stay Away From Ham-Handed Farmer H

If Farmer H was a Seinfeld character, he would be Poppy. You'll understand why after you finish reading.

Thursday evening, Farmer H got home around 5:30, just as I was getting my soda and cheese and pickles ready for scratching my lottery tickets. He went straight to his recliner.

"Whew! I'm tired. What's for supper?"

"Hot dogs and chips, and a sliced tomato if you want."

"What happened to the shrimp and fries you said I could have a couple days ago?"

"That will have to be Friday, or I'll miss the Big Brother live eviction. They take too long to cook, and you just now came in, and I'm not stopping my tickets now."

Farmer H usually asks for hot dogs. Clamors, in fact. But because I said that's what he was having, his oppositional-defiant disorder kicked in. 

 "I guess you could have a ham sandwich instead. But you can make that for yourself, so you probably won't want it." (Reverse psychology! Of course telling him he wouldn't want it would make Farmer H want it more.)

"Okay. I'll have ham. I'll get it here in a minute."

I sat down at the table with my scratchers. About a half hour later, Farmer H came to the kitchen. I had set out a paper plate, paper towel, spear pickle, the loaf of bread. Plus I had put the package of wafered ham and the lone slice of pepper jack cheese on the top shelf of FRIG II where he could find them. Farmer H set about making his sandwich. I sensed him out of the corner of my eye. Then I turned to watch. He was stuffing the little bit of ham that was left back into the package.

"Um. I don't think I want that ham. You've had your hands all over it, and I know you didn't wash your hands."

"Yes I did."

"WHEN?"

"When I come in."

"No you didn't. You went straight to your chair."

"Oh. Well. I meant to go to the bathroom to go pee."

"Ha ha! That doesn't mean you'd wash your hands!"

"Whatever."

"And I know you were spraying pesticide all day, because Pony said so, and you gave me the bill for it yesterday."

"I washed my hands since then!"

"REALLY? I can't imagine where? Did you wash them while you were watching the porch get built on Lap House?"

"Whatever. There's just a little bit of ham left. I might as well eat it."

"Please do! I don't want it after your hands were on it."

Farmer H put the extra slices on his plate. Then threw the package away, and went out the laundry room to the back porch, where he likes to pee through the rails like a savage. He came back in, grabbed a Diet Mountain Dew from FRIG II, and picked up his plate.

"I KNEW IT! You just peed, and didn't wash your hands! Enjoy licking your pee fingers."

"Whatever."

"In fact, I imagine you are singlehandedly the cause of that cyclospora diarrhea that's spread to 40 states, and not the Mexican lettuce!"

"I might be..."

If you're not a Seinfeld fanatic, here's the reason I imagine Farmer H to be the Poppy character. A little :52 video on YouTube.