Sunday, July 15, 2012

When HM Attacks

Sometimes, people amaze me. And not in a good way.

This morning I watched an episode of When Vacations Attack. Contrary to the growling stomachs, soiled-clothing-stained backs, and hoarded-treasure-skinned knees of my three totally-dependent, live-in males...I had nothing better to do.

Usually, When Vacations Attack has dramatic footage of folks nearly done in by nature or Newton's Laws while enjoying a holiday at the shore, in the mountains, wrestling alligators, hanging off the side of a bridge on a bungee, driving through forest fires, taunting big game on safari, or getting tangled in homemade zip lines. But part of today's episode was a head-scratcher. Not a literal head-scratcher. That could have turned deadly, I suppose, what with flesh-eating-bacteria all the rage before those face-eaters demanded their fifteen minutes. No, this was a figurative head-scratcher. Why was this tape on When Vacations Attack?

Tourists on a whale-watching boat encountered a pod of killer whales stalking a seal. The seal was lolling on an ice floe. The whales circled, and broke off sections to make the floe smaller. Pushed it around. Then regrouped, swam in formation at thirty miles per hour, and washed a huge wave over the top of the ice to dislodge the seal.  A young killer whale waited on the other side to eat the seal when it slid into the water. Except he was young, and the seal got away. Momentarily. To swim onto another ice flow. And be washed into the water again, and devoured. Many of the tourists filmed the attack.

Big deal. No people were harmed. I kept waiting for the whales to turn their attention to the boat. To see a human life-or-death drama unfold. Didn't happen. The whole segment was about one seal being eaten after an orchestrated attack by a pod of killer whales. I call shenanigans! Nothing about this vacation attacked any people! Send it to America's Not-Funny Home Videos.

I was appalled at those tourists shrieking like it was their last moment on earth. The people last week on the slopes of a surprise volcano eruption, running from a rain of tephra the size of baby goats, kept their crap together much better than these doom-criers. News flash: It's a SEAL, people. Not a newborn human infant being ripped limb from limb. A seal. Only one man turned to the rest and said, "If you can't take the bullfight, leave." Not the most imaginative of commands. Nothing like forsaking the heat of the kitchen. But he had the right idea.

What do these Doom-Criers think killer whales eat? Cans of Ol' Orca Fancy Beast? Do they, perhaps, use their sparkling personalities to implore passing walruses to open the cans with their tusks?

Mother Nature is a harsh taskmistress, my friends. If she had a flag to fly, it would be that of a bloody carcass of indeterminable origin, shredded flesh clenched in a set of razor-sharp fangs, with the motto "Eat or Die." Because the Jolly Roger is already taken.

Those whale watchers, with their fancy schmancy video cameras and bleeding hearts, have way too much disposable darn income that could better be spent on gas station chicken and 44 oz. Diet Cokes.


Chickadee said...

I can't tell you how many people that I've met who get upset over stuff like that because they aren't exposed to life outside.

I would have felt sad for the seal, but excited too for the unique opportunity to see the food chain at work. :P

Sioux said...

I bet they don't scream and shriek over the poor livestock that gets butchered so they can enjoy a burger or a pork chop or a chicken leg or a slice of Spam.

That seal probably just finished off a poor, pathetic penguin. Did anyone cry for all the animals that wily seal previously preyed on?

I thought not.

I try to stay away from nature shows that focus on brutality like that, even though I know it's part of the circle of life. (Music swells.) I prefer viewing shows that are full of kind, thoughtful people helping each other--like "The Real Housewives of ____" and "The Bachelor."

No backbiting or cut-throat behavior for me...

knancy said...

You and Sioux are both right. I still remember that video from a late night show that showed humans clubbing those little white seals, though. OMG!

Hillbilly Mom said...

They need to realize that the land is not flowing with whale and seal chow. It's kill, or die a lingering death by starvation.

Yes, I doubt they subsist on a diet of tofurkey and soy burgers.

I don't remember that. It was probably around the time of my more favorite old TV moment, the single, silent, Indian trash tear.

Depends on whether the humans were opportunists out to make money off of lovely fur muffs, or were Inuit laying in a supply of blubber for the long, long winter. That's how the Inuit survived before politically correct regulations.

Can you hear Mother Nature's flag flapping in the gale-force Arctic wind? Harsh taskmistress, I tell you.

knancy said...

They were ass hats clubbing the hell out of baby, defenseless seals. The little white ones with big eyes and no way to get away. They didn't even know what was happeing. It was horrible. And, yes, it was for pure greed.