Thursday, July 12, 2012

WWLDD: What Would Lisa Douglas Do?

"Oh, Oliver!"

Yeah. That's probably what Lisa Douglas would have done. Called for her mister, Oliver Wendell Douglas, to come to her rescue. Then he would have called Eb. And before Eb came in from tending to Eleanor the cow, Mr. Haney would have pulled up in the front yard. Just in time for Arnold Ziffel to root his way through the front door, right before Fred Ziffel came looking for him, in a hurry to get him back before wife Doris missed her pig-child. In the meantime, disrupting the work of Alf and Ralph Monroe on the bedroom closet door.

Where was I? Oh. My latest crisis. I went to the sink for some tasty well water, and beheld a horror at the bottom, in the sink strainer dealybobber, which I rarely keep in place, instead preferring it to rest on the counter, a peccadillo lost on Farmer H, who plops it back onto the drain, where it catches all manner of flotsam that he tries to run down the drain, but not really...because he put the strainer in. But this crisis was not due to Farmer H's laziness in scraping the food from his plate, or the feathers from his fresh chicken eggs. This crisis was a critter.

A gargantuan Daddy Long Legs lay at the bottom of my sink, his gams splayed across my strainer like the tentacles of an anorexic octopus. He was the long-leggedest Daddy Long Legs who ever legged. I swear his gam-span was eight inches from the foot of one leg to the foot of the opposite leg.

I couldn't just run him down the sink. Because he was in the strainer. And I couldn't dump him out of the strainer, because he could molest my hand with his legs. What to do, what to do? I called for the #1 son. Explained the situation.

"Come kill it for me."

"Uh uh. Not gonna happen."

Dang! I grabbed the sprayer. Sprayed that Daddy like Johnny Knoxville with a fire hose. That enabled me to grab the strainer. But Daddy held on! I could not wash him down the sink, because the hole has its own built in segment thingamajig, and Daddy's spherical body would not go through the hole segments. I snatched up that strainer by the edge and thump thump thumped it on the side of the wastebasket.

I know he dried out like Otis in Andy Taylor's jail cell overnight. Faster, too. He's probably long-legging himself all around the upstairs right now.

I hope the first item on his agenda is to drop in on the #1 son.


Sioux said...

What good is having a son if they won't kill a spider or shovel up and dispose of a dead possum or hoist an overly-heavy box?

I think there are ways you can get revenge, if the Daddy Long Legs is reluctant to rise to the occasion.

knancy said...

The pic looks like our electrical system here in WV after 15 days without service since the thunderstorm! Every other state is completely reconnected. Yet, we pay more for utilities than the neighboring states. Frakken politicians. Found out today that some ass hat politicians here passed a law that allows utilities to always make a profit! Well,guarantee me that and I will start a business, too!

I tend not to kill Daddy or Mommy Long Legs. They can sneak up on you, though. One minute they are not there and then where did they come from that I did not see them earlier? Sneaky but slow at the same time because as soon as I do see them they seem to be content to just sit there. Strange little critters. Do they really do anything at all?

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I prefer my spiders live outside!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Aside from providing blog material, I can't think of a benefit. Revenge is a dish best served on an empty plate, bereft of sandwiches.

I hope you have not been without power, pedaling a homemade contraption to generate your own electricity for the internet!

I have had an aversion to the Long Legs family since I was a little kid in an outhouse at my grandpa's cabin on the St. Francis river. I have not researched their ecological impact, but I do know their real name is Harvestman.

Hopefully, in your kampground bathrooms. Just to get even with some of those shenaniganners.

knancy said...

Ms. Science Teacher - thank you! I never knew that was what they were called. I found out a lot about them. My outhouse memories are as disconcerting as yours. I now have an indoor bathroom without race car detritus/stickums.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I can't take credit for being all sciency smart. I did not know that was what the Daddy Long Legs were called until I got to Googling for a picture. And I picked the most horrifying one that I could find.

The NASCAR bathroom has its own special infestation of inanimate pests.