Monday, September 9, 2013

Disgrace With The Devil

Salads will kill you. It's true.

Don't be thinking that a salad is a healthy alternative to an all-you-can-eat visit to Schmidt's Sausage Haus. Salad is no blushing ingenue, pure as the driven snow, fortifying your body with essential vitamins and fiber. Salad has an evil side.

Take a look.

What's that, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom? Is it your dinner? A diet plate of miniscule proportions? A slice of sausage for needed protein and fat, bedded on a ripped whole-grain tortilla for a carbohydrate serving, with a lettuce leaf on the side? NO!

That's a dadgummed rotten lettuce core! Beside a wilted leaf of lettuce! From a Caesar Salad purchased at The Devil's Playground. Yesterday. Not expired. Allegedly fresh.

Once again, the universe AND THE DEVIL conspire against Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. I pity the fool who digs into his Devil's Playground salad without sorting through the detritus hidden under the top layer.

If I wanted to play 1960s house, and buy a head of lettuce and rip it up myself in order to make a tasteless iceberg salad, I would have bought my own head for less than the cost of this prepared, gourmet salad. I did not know romaine was rotten to the core.

No wonder the People of The Devil's Playground look the way they do. Obviously, they are not eating the salad. I know that. Because they're still alive.


Sioux said...

I suggest you switch to a diet of margarine and Hostess Twinkies. There is nothing "rotten" in them because there is nothing natural in them. Best of all, you can store both products in your garage for years and years...not even flies will touch the margarine, and the Twinkies will stay fresh for decades...

Hillbilly Mom said...

That Twinkies bad-mouthin' is just an urban legend, Madam. Twinkies are not the new McDonald's fries.

I prefer little chocolate donuts. The breakfast of champions.