Salads will kill you. It's true.
Don't be thinking that a salad is a healthy alternative to an all-you-can-eat visit to Schmidt's Sausage Haus. Salad is no blushing ingenue, pure as the driven snow, fortifying your body with essential vitamins and fiber. Salad has an evil side.
Take a look.
What's that, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom? Is it your dinner? A diet plate of miniscule proportions? A slice of sausage for needed protein and fat, bedded on a ripped whole-grain tortilla for a carbohydrate serving, with a lettuce leaf on the side? NO!
That's a dadgummed rotten lettuce core! Beside a wilted leaf of lettuce! From a Caesar Salad purchased at The Devil's Playground. Yesterday. Not expired. Allegedly fresh.
Once again, the universe AND THE DEVIL conspire against Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. I pity the fool who digs into his Devil's Playground salad without sorting through the detritus hidden under the top layer.
If I wanted to play 1960s house, and buy a head of lettuce and rip it up myself in order to make a tasteless iceberg salad, I would have bought my own head for less than the cost of this prepared, gourmet salad. I did not know romaine was rotten to the core.
No wonder the People of The Devil's Playground look the way they do. Obviously, they are not eating the salad. I know that. Because they're still alive.