Farmer H is driving me a little bit crazy.
morning, as he was leaving for work, he passed by me all comfortable
and warm under a fleece throw, reclined in his La-Z-Boy, trying to catch
five or six winks before work. He reached his big paw down onto the top
of my head and stroked it like I was Juno. Except that he never pets my
sweet, sweet Juno. And he wondered why I took offense to that loving
touch. Hmm. Perhaps he's never heard of a woman getting ready for work,
combing her hair just so, and preferring for it not to be tousled within
an inch of its life so that students might ask, "Do you have a comb?"
"Do you know how to use it?" "Do you turn on the light?"
Farmer H also took offense when he leaned in for a kiss, and I turned my head.
"Why won't you even kiss me?"
heard you up here sneezing last night. I do NOT want to be sick. It's
bad enough that all the students are sick, walking up and down the hall
hacking and snorting, right under my nose."
"I'm not a kid. And I'm not sick. I was just sneezing."
is the guy who objects to the hand towel I lay against the side of my
face when I sleep on my back. "What? You can't even LOOK at me?"
It's 1:30 a.m. It's dark. I have no plans to look at you. Nor do I have
plans to inhale those germs your breather is spraying on me."
huh. Guess who missed work today because he was sick? I swear y'all are
psychic! YES! It was indeed Farmer H! He was SO sick. "HM. I'm staying
in bed. I was up with diarrhea all night, and I feel nauseous."
But here's the rich part. Farmer H can't decide how to complain about me!
night: "I guess you think that just because you creep in here every
night, all quiet, turning the doorknobs easy, that I don't wake up when
you come to bed."
"It's no secret when I come to bed. It's
always late. I've been that way since I was a kid. I'm not an early
bird. I stay up late, and I'd like to sleep late on the weekend. You
wake me up every time you move, then you demand that I get up at 6:00 on
Last night: "I am so wide awake. You come
in here like a bull in a china shop every night, banging things around!
How am I supposed to sleep?"
"I thought I was sneaky
and quiet. At least you got in a good four hours of sleep before I woke
you. Now you can have another four hours. Unlike the four hours total
that I will get."
Yeah. Plus he got even MORE sleep
because he didn't go in to work today, and I had to take The Pony to
school on time before my doctor's appointment, then waste time at my mom's house, then invite her along for the ride, then sit in a waiting room for an hour, then take my mom back home, then go back to school to grade today's work and pick up The Pony.
needs to get on the stick and straighten out this inequality. It's not
like I can walk by and ruffle Farmer H's hair before work. And no man needs 25 hours of sleep a night.