Saturday, March 21, 2015

It Wasn't A Guest, And It Had Not Yet Been Three Days

I can't wait to make my report to the Semi-Weekly Meeting of the Newmentia Lunch Time Think Tank!

This morning I had to do the Devil's Playground shopping all alone, because The Pony was competing in the conference Scholar Bowl tournament. I went from one corner of that Not-Heavenish place to the opposite, all the while competing with little old ladies for aisle space. What's with the little old ladies today? It's not time for their monthly check!

One of them put her head down like Al Bundy in his football heyday as All-City fullback for Polk High, and barreled right at me with her cart, like Al's Shopping Cart of Death, when he competed against Marcy D'Arcy for the Millionth Customer prize. I swear, she nearly clipped me on the bread aisle. Another one was on a beeper cart, and took her half out of the middle. No really. I think she swerved toward me on purpose every time we met. I wanted to ask her, on the chip/cookie aisle, "Shouldn't you be over in the cat food section?" But I didn't. She looked a bit cranky.

At the checkout, a classier version of old lady was right in front of me, sitting on her beeper cart. Prettier. Well-preserved, in a June Cleaver kind of way, but without pearls. And she STOOD UP to put her groceries from the basket onto the conveyor. The last item, unfortunately, right on the other side of the divider bar I made sure to put before my order, was incontinence briefs. Sure, they could have been for her husband, or her sister. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Hopefully, she did not think I was eating both the large box of Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies AND the sugar-free iced oatmeal cookies. Or coloring my hair with those two boxes of L'Oreal that I bought for Farmer H...

But that's not newsworthy enough to report to my cronies at the Semi-Weekly Meeting of the Newmentia Lunch Time Think Tank. Nope. What they must hear about was the SMELL. Not old lady smell. It was a smell coming from behind me. STOP IT! Not from my behind! From the people in line behind me.


I suppose they had picked up some fried fish in the deli. It was eye-watering. It made my saliva flow, not like when you are salivating for something tasty, but like just before you are about to vomit. On second thought, I will have to see who's in attendance when I bring this up at the meeting.

We wouldn't want a certain person to get ideas and go buy her fish there.


Sioux said...

Too bad the "People of the Devil's Playground" site couldn't be augmented with smellavision.

I'm sure fish from the deli is one of the more pleasant odors you encounter there...

Hillbilly Mom said...

You know it had to be bad if I, a lifelong secondary-school teacher well-versed in the practice of non-nasal breathing, noticed.