The Charge Of The Not-Heaven Hound

Yes, you're in the right place for updates on the aggressive giant poodle that lives across the gravel road from the Mansion. You'll always get your Not-Heaven Hound news here first. Exclusively, too.

Since we last convened our round-table discussion of how do you solve a problem like that poodle, a couple of new developments have...erm...developed. I have a feeling that if I was painting the floor of my dark basement lair, I would be in a corner right now.

Last weekend, Farmer H's oldest boy was out here to help him with some building project, or more likely just to shoot the bull over at the BARn, and brought his little boy along. He's five. OB dropped off Young 'Un at the BARn field so he could run down to see his grampy while OB  pulled his truck across the ditch slowly, or perhaps went on to the Mansion driveway and circled back in front of the main sinkhole to drive through the field. I don't know, because I was gone to town. When Young 'Un got out of the truck, Poodle charged across the gravel road, right at Young 'Un.

Here's where the story grows unclear, because Farmer H is not known for spinning reputable yarns, and he glossed over this detail. Whether OB jumped out of the truck and snatched up Young 'Un, or if Young 'Un made it to the safety of the BARn, or if OB flung a projectile...not clear, due to the storyteller. All I know is that the paintball gun is still out of commission, due to a lack of a CO2 cartridge. So that dissuader was not implemented in the saving of Young 'Un.

What I DO know is that on Thursday afternoon, when I stopped at the end of the driveway for The Pony to hitch himself to the trash dumpster in order to return it to its proper location near the garage...Poodle came charging across the gravel road, up part of our driveway, snarling and jumping forward stiff-legged. I don't know about you, but I regard this as a sign of aggression from a canine. Thank the Gummi Mary, Poodle did not seem to have a thirst for equine flesh, because it ignored The Pony trotting down the driveway pulling his refuse rickshaw, and concentrated on T-Hoe's door that separated us. Poodle only followed about a third of the driveway length. But it's a long driveway.

Of course I complained to Farmer H about that dog again. That's when he told his tale of Young 'Un's experience. "If I can catch Neighbor without his wife, I'm going to let him know that something has got to be done about that dog, or somebody's going to kill it. I don't want to upset his wife. She just lost her dad, you know, during that last snow."

"I know they don't TRAIN that dog to come up here. We even hear her trying to call it back in the mornings, but it's still over here, tormenting our animals. Wednesday around 10:00, it came running up the yard and chased Ann and Juno up on the porch again. Juno goes halfway out and tries do defend, but then she turns and runs for safety. Then both of our fleabags sit on the porch barking their fool heads off while Poodle stands in the yard barking her fool head off, and our chickens huddle on that telephone pole at the edge of the driveway, behind the yucca plants, shaking. They don't know where to go."

"I found another dead chicken, too. But I don't want to accuse that dog, because it COULD have been a weasel..."

"Even though she's calling that dog back, it doesn't listen. It will still bite just as deep whether she's calling it or not. I know she hears me holler at it. Sometimes it will back off when I do that."

Yesterday, Farmer H had his chance to get Neighbor alone.

"I saw Neighbor out in the yard while I was mowing this afternoon. I told him, 'I don't want to be a bad neighbor, but something has got to be done about that dog of yours. The black one without a tail is not the problem. It comes over here with the poodle, but it's not aggressive. That poodle is going to hurt someone. It came after my five-year-old grandson last weekend, right here in our field. If my son had had a gun on him, he would have shot it. And you would, too, if it came after your grandson.' Neighbor agreed. He said, 'I know it's a problem. The minute I let it out to go to the bathroom in the morning, it runs straight for your house, and it won't come back. The wife has sent her invisible fence out to get fixed. I'm hoping that's going to work.' I told him how it chases your car, and you can't see it, and slow down to not run over it, and then it gets more aggressive. He said he knows it chases cars, he's seen it. He knows something might happen to it if it keeps doing its thing."

It takes Hillmomba to control a hound.