Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Mr. G. Carlin Would Have More Than Seven On His List These Days

Let the record show that the exact phrase is not used in this post, so as not to draw curiosity seekers. But you can get the gist of it, and consult my former BFF Google if you dare.
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The Semi Weekly Meeting of the Newmentia Lunch Time Think Tank was abuzz yesterday with talk of a near-scandal. All because of our holiday door decorating contest. Well. That, and the pupils’ penchant for turning perfectly innocent words into naughty ideas.

Jewels set it off. “I went by The Devil’s Playground this morning to pick up something to wear. I didn’t get an ugly holiday sweater, but I got a Christmas sweatshirt. Then I looked down while I was in line to check out, and saw that it was Rudolph holding two beer mugs! I thought it was just a reindeer! Can you imagine how THAT would have gone over? I have to watch my kids so that they don’t put something inappropriate on our door. Like Net Flicks and Cool. Apparently, that's bad.”

Tomato-Squirter warned us all. “Do you guys know what means?”

“Well, I’d say it means to kick back and watch some movies at home and cool out.” The Woodsman had it covered.

“NO!”

“It doesn’t?”

“NO! I can’t tell you what it means!” Tomato-Squirter, holding out on us.

The Man in Charge got out his phone and looked up urban slang. “Whoa! I can’t tell you, either.” He passed the phone around the table.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom did not have her glasses. “You guys. I can’t read this. Can one of you read it out loud to me?”

“NOOOO!”

“We’ll hold it way over here where you can focus.” Very Special is always willing to go the extra yard.

“Oh. Wait. I think I can make it out. Wow.”

“I wonder if my sons know about this. I’m sure they do. But I’m not going to ask.” Very Special, wondering how she was going to ask.

“Well, they ARE boys.”

“I’m sure my Pony knows. Not that he’d ever tell me. But he spends three hours down in the computer room where he has to sit under the table so the kids leave him alone, so I’m sure he knows.”

Face palm from The Woodsman. “Why do they always have to take perfectly normal words and ruin them?”

“Because that’s what they do. That one kid yesterday had a T-shirt that said, ‘I love my wiener.’ Sure, it had a picture of a dachshund on it. I looked at him, and he said, ‘I have another shirt in my locker.’ He KNEW!”

“Like that kid several years ago with the Santa T-shirt that said, ‘I have a big package for you.’”

Tomate-Squirter revealed her near-miss. Or near-scandal. “Okay, so my class was getting their door decorations ready, and we had a big penguin, and I said, ‘Wouldn’t it be cute it we put, Just Coolin’ on there?’ And they all yelled, ‘NO! You CAN’T do that! Don’t you know what it means?’ So I told them, 'No, and I’m not sure I WANT to know. Is it BAD?’ And they assured me that it was. Very bad. And it looks like they were right.”

“I had no idea." The Woodsman's ears were red. And most of his face. "I could see myself texting my wife: ‘Hey, tonight, you wanna watch Net Flicks and cool?’ And she would agree, and say that would be fun, and pop up a bunch of popcorn and stuff.”

“Just don’t text the basketball coach by mistake, like that one time about the snow day that wasn’t our school.”

“That would be bad. IF he knew what it meant.”

"I went home and asked my daughter about it. She said, 'MOM! Everybody knows that.' So then I asked her, 'So when you tell me you're just watching movies...does that mean...' And she said, "Ugh! NO! It just means we're watching movies.' So I was relieved. But you never know."Tomato-Squirter. Ever vigilant. Forgetting the time she referred to her movies from home as "adult" movies, when all she meant was that they were not her kids' movies.

Let the record show that later, on the way home, I asked The Pony about this phrase.

“Um. Yes. How do YOU know? Don’t ever say that again.”

“Why didn’t you tell me what it meant?”

“I didn’t think you’d ever say it.”

“YOU better never say it.”

“I don’t. I don’t believe in Net Flicks and coolin’ because coolin’ leads to children.”

2 comments:

Sioux said...

Well, I learned something new today.

I know to stay away from what Santa says (usually three times in a row), along with the gardening tool that has the same-sounding name.

Other than that, holiday stuff is pretty safe with 3rd graders...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
Good thing you didn't have your kids write a story about Net Flicks and coolin'.

I did, however, point out to The Pony an article in the UK Daily Mail the other day about "The Most Dangerous Landing Strips in the World."