Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Putting His Best Hoof Forward

Way back when The Pony was just a knobby-kneed colt, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, in her infinite wisdom, decided he should attend his first day of school.

It was the summer before his kindergarten year. Elementia had a booming summer school business. They offered fun classes and enrichment activities for students who were operating at grade level, along with remedial services half the day for those who were not. The #1 son, ready to enter 3rd Grade in the fall, asked to attend. The Pony was a bit apprehensive about his first year, so Mrs. HM explained that he could also go to school, become familiar with his surroundings and the routine, and have a bit of a head start when regular classes resumed. The Pony was okay with that.

The first day dawned. Mrs. HM laid out clothing for each son. She went to make herself presentable in order to walk The Pony inside, and not be one of those moms in a bathrobe and hair curlers. Not that she even owned a bathrobe. Or hair curlers.

When she picked the boys up after school, it seemed as though all had gone well. The #1 son chattered about his activities. The Pony, when he got a chance, extolled the benefits of the playground equipment. He did mention that he did not care for the school lunch. And that he didn't understand why HE had to miss five minutes of recess for stomping on peas by the cafeteria trash can, when that other boy had started it.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom checked her answering machine upon arriving back at the Mansion. That was curious. A message from the school nurse that The Pony had fallen off the monkey bars, but that he appeared to be okay. She rounded up The Pony to inquire about the details.

"Oh. I might have a big bruise on my butt. Here. Look and see. The nurse looked. She said it was okay to look at my butt. Because she's a nurse. But that I should never let anybody else look at my butt. Except my mom and dad." He bent over, as if Mrs. HM could see through his shorts.

"Here. Stand up. Let me see." Mrs. HM pulled back the waistband of The Pony's stretchy shorts and cartoon-imprinted briefs. Yes. A bruise was forming on the right side of the tailbone area. "Wait a minute! Why are you wearing TWO pairs of underwear?"

"You laid them out for me this morning."

"I laid out your shorts, your shirt, and ONE pair of underwear."

"Uh huh."

"Then why do you have on TWO?"

"You never said to take the other pair off."

"Great. Now the school nurse thinks you wear TWO pairs of underwear! Oh, well. Does your butt hurt?"


"I guess not. Wearing TWO pairs of underwear gave you extra padding."

The next day, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom stopped to talk to the nurse when she dropped off The Pony.

"Did you get my message?"

"Yeah. After I got back home. You must have called after I left to pick up the boys."

"I wanted you to know that he fell, and that I saw him in my office. Just in case he talked about me looking at his butt."

"He's fine. I can't believe he wore TWO pairs of underwear. He normally does not. You must have thought that was really odd."

"Honey, if you only knew. At least The Pony was WEARING underwear!"

Let the record show that The Pony will probably not hearken back to this day during his valedictorian address.


Sioux said...

No, but perhaps you can stand up at various points of his speech and interrupt him (helpfully) so you can include details he left out...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Funny...when I offered to do that this morning on the way to school, The Pony disappeared from my rearview mirror. He put his head against my seat back, and said he was feeling sick.

I'm sure it had everything to do with my offer, and nothing to do with the cold he's coming down with, and the fact that he ate 1/3 of a Pizza Hut big chocolate chip cookie in a pie pan for breakfast.