Tuesday, June 13, 2017

If It Wasn't A Snake, I Should Have Bit It

Many nights (and by nights, I mean 3:00 A.M.s) I crawl into bed to find Farmer H's arm snaking under my pillow stack. He's not going to get away with that unnoticed. Even though I use three pillows, I'm like a princess feeling a pea.

Uh huh. Even though I'm pretty much a REAL PRINCESS, Farmer H's arm is certainly no pea. He's got arms like Popeye. It's mainly his left arm that's so offensive. It rustles under my bottom pillow, fingers making a skritchy noise against the sheet and pillowcase. It slithers and worms its way to and fro. My pillow undulates like I'm in the middle of an 8.4 mattressquake.

Then everything is still. Or so I think. Just when I figure all the aftershocks are done, my head bobs like a red-and-white fishing float on the surface of a perch pond.

Sometimes, I wait until just after a particularly annoying bout of side whip-lash, and reach my right hand back over my shoulder and GRAB Farmer H's arm in a death grip. Like pinning a snake to the ground with a forked stick. This wakes him up like an impaired Ambien user (or so I've read about Tiger Woods), and Farmer H sputters and asks what I'm doing. That's when I say

GET YOUR ARM OUT FROM UNDER MY PILLOW--I'M SICK OF IT!

And he moves his arm and turns over. The next day, if I revisit the issue in an attempt to stymie such proclivities in the future, Farmer H says I'm crazy. And making it up.

Yeah. We'll see how that theory holds water when he wakes up with one arm.

5 comments:

Sioux Roslawski said...

Was it the Amish that had a board down the middle of the mattress?

You could set up one of those...

fishducky said...

Sioux, wouldn't that make it hard to make the bed?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
That wouldn't last long. Farmer H would scavenge the wood to use in one of his Shackytown projects.

***
fishducky,
Make the bed? As IF...

Oh, wait. You were talking about the Amish. The Hillbilly family is much more lax in the housekeeping arena.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

If you let Puppy Jack sleep with you, he would stop such things from happening! If HeWho gets too close to me, Cujo growls.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Kathy,
Jack IS quite nippy. Even when he's happy and excited, he bounds around snapping at Juno's ears, or sometimes my nose! I think he would just start up with his annoying bark at Farmer H's arm, though. He can't get his tiny mouth around Farmer H's Popeye arm.