Friday, May 29, 2020

You Can't Trot Home Again

Sometimes a glimmer of warmth escapes from my cold, cold heart. Like a thin line of light under a door. Not often! But sometimes. When Farmer H and I are berating criticizing illuminating The Pony on some of his less-endearing behaviors.

"Looks like I'll need to buy butter when I go to the store this week."

"That's a LOT of butter!"

"I hope you're not digging a hole to China in that butter again."

"Actually, it's not butter. It's not very good."

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! We are elderly people, on a fixed income! Get used to it!"

"I always buy REAL butter."

"You're living a millionaire lifestyle on pauper wages! Don't forget that your salary for job-searching is $20 per week! AND I might have to dock your pay if you continue to 'help' me in the kitchen. My plastic measuring cup is still sitting there, since I can't wash dishes in the morning because of no hot water, and I can't wash dishes after supper because of no hot water."

"That's another thing. I'm going to see how much our electric bill has gone up in the month you've been home."

"Face it, Pony. You're stuck in a real-life commercial where those people are turning into their elderly parents. You just don't know you're turning into us yet."

A fleeting mask of sadness crossed The Pony's face. Then he dipped my short Pioneer Woman ceramic knife into the tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter that he had carried to set beside his plate on the living room coffee table. As he brought his knife-scoop of ICBINB from tub to plate, the blob FELL OFF ON THE KEYBOARD OF HIS LAPTOP.

Let the record show that The Pony does not have a cheap HIPPIE like mine. He has a quality laptop with a large screen for gaming, and the guts to perform any graphy formula desires of a chemical engineering student.

I slapped my hands over my face. OH, THE TECHMANITY! I snuck little peeks by flapping open my hand-shutters, as The Pony scrapped the not-quite-believeable butter off his laptop. THEN I saw that it had NOT landed on the flat part that acts as a mouse, but ON THE KEYS THEMSELVES!

"TRIGGERED! TRIGGERED! TRIGGERED! I need my safe space!"

"You have me laughing so hard I can't pick it up!"

"Now you are getting a job target in your file!"

Sweet Gummi Mary! The Pony has grown wild after 4 years out of the home paddock. He'll have to be broken all over again.


Sioux Roslawski said...

Do you need to use a whip on The Pony? Will you need to rebrand him, to remind him who he belongs to?

I think this summer, the summer of The Pony, is going to provide lots of fodder for posts...

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I bet it was melting into the very guts of his laptop the whole while as he attempted to remove it. I would have had to leave the room to laugh.

Hillbilly Mom said...

No whip. Maybe show it to him, like a jockey coming down the home stretch. The Pony seems to have altered his brand since he left the home paddock. YES to the fresh fodder!

I was trying not to look on in horror!

River said...

I think you need to lay down some rules concerning bathing/showering. ONCE a day is enough! You need to be able to wash your dishes without heating up a barrel of water over a fire in the backyard.
I buy real butter too, on my limited budget. I'll cut back on other things so I can afford it. I don't care how good "they" say the substitutes are, there's nothing like real butter!

Hillbilly Mom said...

I think Farmer H might be getting to that point. The honeymoon is over!

I buy butter for holiday meals like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I guess I could get some for the special occasion of The Pony's return. But he eats a LOT of butter! Remember those commercials where the butter-loving family's name was "Butterton?" That's how I think of The Pony, as a Butterton.

Only the salted butter for us, though. Once I mistakenly bought the unsalted version. "What is wrong with this butter?" was the theme that Thanksgiving!

River said...

I get the unsalted version, it's what I was raised on. My parents always searched for it way back then, because in Germany apparently unsalted is more normal than salted. I don't think they even had salted butter over there. I don't care to research and find out for sure.
If The Pony is eating too much butter, suggest he buy his own. With his own money. Suggest firmly.

River said...

P.S. we never had that commercial here in Australia. We had commercials for margarine and for a while there were the "I can't believe it's not butter" ones, but I think they got taken off because people wrote in saying they had no trouble believing that stuff wasn't butter.

Hillbilly Mom said...

We'll monitor the butter! I don't begrudge The Pony his feed, but I do require him to buy his wine and lottery out of his own account.

It doesn't taste like real butter, but it's the best of the margarines I've tried. I remember from my childhood the commercial for Imperial Margarine. I think that's the one. Where the actor would take a bite, and music would play, and a crown would appear on their head.