Thursday, November 13, 2014

Forget The Whaaaambulance, Call The Fire Department

Hey! Have you heard? Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is an arsonist! Uh huh. And maybe there's an award in it for her. Because just this morning, a pupil told her, "You have the best burns ever!"

Let the record show that Mrs. HM is not trying to bruise the tender self esteem of her charges. On the contrary. She is trading barbs. Well. Not so much trading barbs as shooting barbs at weak little fumbling infantile attempts at besting her efforts towards classroom control. Also let the record show that they started it!

Taking attendance is like running a marathon during this particular class period. It helps not that only five girls are interspersed with sixteen adolescent males jousting for superiority. No buffers. It's like Lord of the Flies in there. I would smite them with a bone-crushing bellringer every day, but that would only make more work for me while they pointedly ignored it. I swear they are avid enthusiasts of Roseanne Roseannadanna, because IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING! Today, for instance...

"Hey! Tex! Put that thing away!"

"Are you looking at your PHONE?"

"What? No! I don't have my phone out."

"Huh. You look like that every day. When you have your phone out. All hunched over. In fact, I'm getting worried about your posture."

"I don't have my phone out. I'm tall. I sit that way so people can see over me."

"Then when I ask what you're doing, you slide your hand in your pocket. Just like now. To put your phone away."

"I'm not putting my phone away. I'm cold! It's cold in here. I was putting my hand in my pocket to get it warm."

"Huh. I thought cell phones heated up when you used them so much. Surely that would keep your hand warm enough to stay out of your pocket."

"Ooh! BURN! You have the best burns ever!"

And...SCENE! Attendance taken. With one mental arm behind my ever-being-broken back.


Sioux said...

I don't ever trade burns. I'm ever-so-thoughtful, I make sure that tired students (students who have to sit on the bench during restroom breaks because they are sooooo weary)get to rest when it comes time for recess.

You should take lessons from me. The tender spirits of children need to be nurtured, not blasted.

Hillbilly Mom said...

It is so kind of you to offer me lessons, Madam, what with my pitiful excuse for a career nigh on these 27 years. If only I had the leverage of recess, I could take your advice, and straighten up and fly right for the last one and five-eighths years of my life's work.

Congratulations on never trading burns. I will assume that is due to your altruistic nature, Madam, and not your inability to compete with the intellect of third-graders.

BWAHAHA! I loves me some good burn practice in the evening. The better to prepare myself for the next day in the trenches.