Saturday, May 6, 2017

The Goose Waxes Hypothetical Concerning Revenge On The Gander

I might have found a way to get even with Farmer H for habits such as coating my T-Hoe's steering wheel with ear wax, and pawing the remote with unwashed, dead-mouse-flinging fingers.

The last time I bought paper plates (the standard china of the Mansion), I had the misfortune of getting a pack in which the plates were not properly separated. These are the heavy-duty regular paper plates. White, with a scalloped edge, and a kind of coating so that grease doesn't seep through. I've had a pack like this before, except I bought that one at The Devil's Playground. For the most part, Save A Lot plates have always been of the same quality, yet separated so you only need one hand to grab one from the wooden holder on the kitchen counter.

This newest pack of paper plates requires TWO hands. And could actually benefit from a screwdriver and a crowbar. You get one plate, then the next two are hermetically sealed to each other. Then another single. Then a double. All through the pack.

Of course Farmer H skips over the two, and goes to the next single. That's dirty pool, people! Dirtier than Poolio after his cover is removed in May, after a whole winter of decomposing leaves on his bottom.

I could just remove all the single paper plates, and let Farmer H pry his own dinnerware apart. But I fear that he might simply eat off a double. Sending my hard-once-earned retirement money swirling down the drain. I am giving it a trial run. I took several of the loose paper plates and put them at the back of the stack. For ME to use, you know. And I'll keep an eye on the others, and the trash, to see if Farmer H is using doubles. It won't be hard. It's not like I'll have to dig in the wastebasket. They'll be piled on top in that JENGA mode for me to grab and look at.

But here's another idea. Every day, I save my lunch plate, and any plate I may have used to warm something (in the microwave with two drawer handles replacing the broken handle), and use them to serve the dogs their evening snack. Jack always licks his plate clean. And Juno's, too, once she wolfs down her food. So there are two gently-used paper plates that I might be able to recycle TWICE! I could put those plates in the holder for Farmer H to grab!

Surely nothing could go wrong with this plan, right? A dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's. Even with all that butt-licking they do! It's not like I'M going to lick those plates clean. They can't be any less sanitary that eating with unwashed fingers that have touched the inside of one's ear canal (almost to the brain), and a dead mouse from the front porch.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is a very good friend to the Environment.

Not so good a friend to Farmer H.

Let the record show that I doubt I'll follow through with this plan.

5 comments:

Sioux Roslawski said...

Except... Does Farmer H ever give you a peck on the cheek? If so, then you'll be getting Jack and Juno butt germs with every peck.

fishducky said...

I think Farmer H must have built up an incredible immunity to any germs, new or old; he probably wouldn't even notice getting Jack's plate!!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
I would say that Farmer H is not a pecker...but...well...that is not completely true.

***
fishducky,
That's the beauty of it! Only I would know!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Remind me to never piss you off! You give lots of thought to revenge plots!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Kathy,
Lots of thought? That barely took a second! Revenge plots are second-nature for me.