Wednesday, May 3, 2017

These Are The Times That Try Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's Soul

Oh, wait!

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has no soul! At least according to her oldest son, and to her husband Farmer H.

We had a heartfelt lukewarm stilted self-serving discussion this evening on the front porch of the Mansion, I on my pew, Farmer H in the woven metal porch chair.

Let the record show that the wind was a-blowin', and rain was a-fallin', and that limpy Puppy Jack, soaked to his spongy skin and favoring his left rear leg, was all underfoot after his snack of half a slice of Easter ham, two mozzarella wrapped in prosciutto cheese sticks, half a whole-wheat roll, and a handful of expired Save A Lot tortilla chips, was underfoot. Sweet, sweet Juno was disgraced, having nabbed a chip off Jack's plate while he was still eating, received a stern talking-to, and settled herself down the porch a ways.

Oh, and Farmer H, who'd been roaming the kitchen in his tighty-whities, had slipped on a pair of gray shorts, a gray hooded sweatshirt (still wet from feeding the animals), and ensconced his bare man-hooves in his camouflage Crocs (with the strap behind his heel).

The topic of discussion was once again his impending retirement.

"I don't know. I may as well work up to the end of the year. Or at least the end of November. They owe me days off from my Sweden trip, and those weeks where I worked five days."


"Well, you think we're going to be paupers. We have money."

"That's not the issue. You need to make a decision and stick with it. And when you're off, you're going to spend all the money on your projects."

"I'd rather spend it while I'm here to spend it. If there's any left when we die, then the boys can have it. I don't see any reason to save it for them. They'll both have good jobs. Their college is paid for. They'll get the house and the property."

"I'm not worried about saving it for the boys! What if you spend it all, then you die, and I'm left without any money to live on?"

"Huh. Well, what if YOU die? And I'm left without money?"

"Then you get what you deserve! You've spent it all, so you can just go build yourself a shed to live in, and pee in the woods."

"You're not going to run out of money."

"If I have to pay a nursing home, I will!"

"Well, if you have to pay a nursing home, it'll go quick. But then the state will have to pay to take care of you. That's why when we made our will a couple weeks ago, we put the house in a trust. So a nursing home can't take it."

"Whatever. I don't think you should go wild and spend it down to nothing on the chance that you're going to die and leave something behind."

"I worked hard for my money. And I'm going to enjoy it."

I'm pretty sure my mom and dad worked hard for their money, too. And I'm really glad they didn't enjoy it. I don't much think they'd want Farmer H to enjoy it, either.

The #1 Son better reconsider that "soul" thing if he has any inheritance left when Farmer H and I are pushing up daisies.


Sioux Roslawski said...

My goodness, the travesty. This is horrific,

He wears the strap BEHIND his heel? Those Crocs should be taken away from Farmer H. He doesn't know how to wear them properly.

Hillbilly Mom said...


The minute I first saw him wear his Crocs that way, I regretted giving them to him. The Pony and #1 Son refused to be seen anywhere near him when Farmer H was wearing them. I have tried to bring those boys up with tolerance for ALL PEOPLE, but this is expecting too much.

Is there a Croc Rescue group that could come repossess these improperly worn Crocs?