Saturday, January 6, 2018

ACK! NO, NO, NO, JUST NO!

Perhaps by now you are familiar with my routine. I spend the late afternoon/evening hours in my dark basement lair, which I now leave lighted, though two of the four overhead lights are currently out. I peruse the innernets, check up on my blogs, inform myself of the newest conspiracy theories, eat my lunch at my New Delly, and usually supper, since Farmer H is always popping out to an auction and grabs his as the time suits him.

I sip on my 44 oz Diet Coke throughout the afternoon and night. I add Cherry Limeade sugar-free powder mix to it, and extra ice, and freshen it with a bottle of Diet Coke (the hard stuff) as it weakens. I keep a baggie of frozen ice cubes in the basement mini fridge to apply to my knees. It has been melted and refrozen many times, and still hasn't sprung a leak in its double baggie.

Sometimes I know it's time to put away the knee ice when I feel it slipping down in the fold I've made by flipping my striped sweatpants leg into a long cuff. Sometimes I know because my knee starts hurting from the cold. Other times it comes at a logical cut-off point when I get up to go to the NASCAR bathroom next door to my office.

Sometimes, I just KNOW that my knee ice has sprung a leak. I can feel the trickle of melted water (which I guess is actually melted ice, having turned into water) down my shin. Imagine my surprise when I reach down, and find my soft cotton sweats dry as a bone that's been laying around Sweet, Sweet Juno's house for a year or two. I guess I feel the phantom trickles.

Today, I was typing away at my not-so-secret blog, about CasinoPalooza 3. I felt that feeling on my leg, but since I wasn't wearing my knee ice, having laid off from driveway-walking in this frigid cold snap, and not feeling as much pain in that joint. I thought something along the lines of, "Aha! You can't fool ME! I know I'm not wearing my knee ice. It can't be melting." I went on typing, my phantom drip out of my mind.

An hour or so later, I felt that drip again, so I reached down, and

FELT SOMETHING UNDER THE FABRIC OF MY PANTS LEG!

ACK! NO, NO, NO, JUST NO!

It was a CRICKET!!!

Yes! A live cricket! Having apparently been sitting on my shin for about an hour or so! Just sitting there! A CRICKET! On my LEG! With its little cricket hands and feet (SIX OF THEM, I know my insect morphology!) grasping the stubs of my leg hairs that might not be so very stubby, here in the deep dark days of winter!

THE HORROR!

Have I mentioned that I hate crickets? Almost as much as I hate feet! And now I had cricket feet on my bare skin! For about an hour or so!

I couldn't smash that cricket! It would leave cricket guts on my bare skin, and in my sweatpants leg! I felt it start scrambling when I touched it. So I shook my pants leg, and looked down in horror to see that cricket fall out! It was a big husky specimen. I couldn't stomp it. My shoes were off. Red run-down Crocs abandoned further under my desk. Besides, blog buddy River says crickets in the house are good luck!

In spite of losing my shirt and half my wardrobe at CasinoPalooza 3, and being sick these last six days, I really consider myself pretty lucky. So I let that cricket be.

It was horrifying.

8 comments:

Sioux Roslawski said...

That cricket is a sign that you should spend more of your time upstairs, waiting on Farmer H...

River said...

Oh the nerve! The cheek of that cricket! How dare he start feeling his way up your leg. That is not good behaviour, even for a cricket. But perhaps he thinks you've been ignoring him too much. All he wants is a hello now and again. And maybe a tiny supply of water hidden in a corner just for him. Or maybe a little warmth, since it is winter over there and probably his corner is cold.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sioux,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Not for a moment did I think that advice was sincere.

***
River,
He (most like a silent SHE) appears WHEREVER I go. At my desk. On the path to the bathroom. Over by the mini fridge. On the way to my OPC (Old People Chair).

He'll have to get by with the occasion ice cube I drop while freshening my 44 oz Diet Coke, because I'm not setting out water! He stays plenty warm in my office, with my space heater running to keep ME warm. It's normally around 65 down there, probably, in my corner basement office with the concrete walls that are exposed to the elements on their outer sides.

fishducky said...

The phrase "Oh, the humanity!!" from when the dirigible caught fire came to mind!

Hillbilly Mom said...

fishducky,
Unfortunately, that phrase came to MY mind this afternoon, for a catastrophe that still has me trembling in my Crocs. You'll read about it here or there, sooner or later.

River said...

Awww, she/he likes you :)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I am not a cricket fan, either and I would have put that one to rest! I suppose a cricket on my skin would be preferable to a big hairy spider.

Hillbilly Mom said...

River,
I hadn't seen that cricket at all yesterday, and then on my way out of my office (to my OPC) after reading your comment, that cricket was RIGHT OUTSIDE MY OFFICE DOOR, as if waiting for me.

***
Kathy,
Ooh! Don't give me a flashback to that time a spider dropped down (when my lair was truly dark) and millions of babies exploded out of it, and scurried all over my desk!